“The Slut Paradox” – Don Charisma’s Opinion

I know the “S” word “slut” is quite an emotive word, and I’m not wishing to offend anyone. This post is purely an exploration of my opinion of the facts because I feel it may help people and also a chance to voice their opinions. It comes in response to a young lady’s comment made on another post, as it’s a far far too complicated issue to answer in a comment.

DonCharisma.org-Sexy-Lady-Toy

My first serious encounter with a female was when I was 17, she was 16 (both legal age in UK). I knew I wanted to be with her the moment I saw her jump out of a taxi cab. I set my dream, and we got together. We were inseparable for a time. Things changed as they do and eventually it came to my attention that she was seeing someone else, behind my back. I followed her one day and caught the two of them together. Needless to say that was the end of the relationship. And I found out afterwards that there had been others, which I’d had my suspicions about.

For me this is where I would use the word “slut”. There’s also a loyalty problem, a trust problem and an integrity problem. Oh and an intimacy problem.

I’d kept to my side of the bargain, wasn’t seeing anyone else, and although things weren’t perfect I wasn’t about to let that change how I felt about her.

From her side it seemed that she wanted to enjoy herself, play the field, whilst having the stability of someone who loved her. Best of both worlds. Cake and eat it. Bit greedy really.

I was devastated, completely broke my heart in half. However as you all know time heals and life goes on …

Since then I’ve grown up (obviously) seen a lot more of the world, and been around a lot of women. I’ve been through my own playboy phases, and played the field. I’ve been a male “slut” if you like from time to time.

Fast forward to present day and my current girlfriend is incredibly suspicious and jealous of me just talking to another woman, even she knows when I’m looking. Most women that I’ve been with in a committed intimate relationship are the same, very against me being “a slut” and would most likely split up if I was being “a slut”. No one likes to be betrayed or made a fool of, that’s normal, ordinary.

Men also have problems if they are a “playboy” or a “player” – “good” women might easily see them as undesirable, male versions of sluts. So the slut equation is not one that just women have to consider – I’ve definitely lost out on relationships with “good” women because of my own “adventures” and attitude at the time.

Personally I’m relatively private person like to keep my intimate relations to myself. So discretion is definitely the better part of valour for me in my social groups, I don’t kiss and tell, that’s just good manners.

BOTTOM LINE – You can’t have a committed intimate relationship where either partner wants exclusivity, and the other is lying or cheating, that’s not a relationship, it’s a lie. Further a potential partner who has a history of just sleeping with anyone and everyone, probably isn’t a loyal and trustworthy partner, so they become less desirable – in essence what is a slut is, someone who does not have integrity or loyalty and isn’t trustworthy. That’s the same on both sides, men can be not trustworthy too, men can be “sluts”. AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US IS JUDGED ON OUR PAST IN SOCIETY,  WHAT DO YOU THINK A CV OR RESUME IS – THE PAST.

The Slut Paradox

As I see it there are two conflicting sides to “the slut paradox” :

1. The desire to have fun, explore, be oneself and do what one wants with whomever one wants. And to dress in whatever way one wants as revealing or titillating as it may be. In the eyes of others (men and women), if one behaves like this in public one may be judged as and called “a slut”. Status may be reduced, desirable partner pool may be reduced and in the worst cases the person may be ostracised or forced out of their social group.

In order to be on this side it’d be a good idea not to care what others think.

2. The desire to have a stable intimate relationship with only one person (or to be on one’s own). To dress appropriately and conservatively as not to be attracting sexual attention. In the eyes of others one is MUCH LESS LIKELY to be judged as and called “a slut”. Status may be increased, desirable partner pool may be larger and in most cases a secure place in the social group is guaranteed.

This side can be about caring what others think, desires are suppressed in order to be thought of as “good”. It also can be about personal choice, that one wants monogamous relationship or to be on one’s own. Caring what others think about one probably doesn’t matter on this side.

For me the issues people have with being called or judged as “a slut” boil down to a “wanting to have my cake and eat it”. The person wants to do whatever the heck they please, and not be judged for it. Society just doesn’t work like that. Men and women judge others (partly) based on their perceived or actual promiscuity, which is based on their actions and appearance. I don’t want a girlfriend who’s likely to cheat on me because I know personally just how much that hurts, I told you about my experience at the start. So assessment of her slut’ishnes or not slut’ishness for me is very important, for as already said, assessing her likely integrity, loyalty and trustworthiness in any possible relationship with her.

My life is far too short to be having to check up on someone, spy on them, worry about where they are, I want a relaxed peaceful life with a partner who loves me, and isn’t looking for “a better offer” or “a bit of harmless fun”.

It’s absolutely utterly ridiculous to blame men for how this situation is. Both men and women judge women (and men) on their promiscuity. Also as a man I have every right to expect that my exclusive intimate girlfriend is faithful, has integrity, loyalty and I can trust her. WHY OH WHY WOULD *ANYONE* EXPECT THAT I WOULD WANT OR EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE ? It’s not rocket science or the theory of relativity, it’s self-respect 101.

The Slut Paradox – Resolution

There are two possible resolutions of the slut paradox :

1) Make a choice on either side of the paradox, take responsibility for having made that choice, and accept that you may be judged if you go down the “slut” route and that you won’t if you take the other route

2) Accept that it is a paradox, and that’s just how the world is, and live with it, as imperfect and not able to have your cake and eat it that it is. Stop blaming other people for “just how it is”, and do what’s right for you at the time.

Outro

TRYING TO FORCE PEOPLE INTO NOT JUDGING BY GUILTING OR “FORCING” THEM OR GETTING ANGRY WITH THEM WILL NEVER WORK, THAT’S JUST PETULANT, AND VERY POORLY THOUGHT THROUGH.

I WILL NEVER LET OTHER PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO THINK, THAT’S NOT ANYONE ELSE’S BUSINESS, MY THOUGHTS BELONG TO ME AND ARE SOLELY MY RESPONSIBILITY.

Lastly, my current girlfriend is not that much younger than me. I know she has a past, she has a son by another man. I don’t care what happened in that past, I’m interested in her now and her future. I trusted my gut that she is a good hearted person, and so far she hasn’t let me down. She’s an extremely attractive woman and gets offers from other men ALL THE TIME.

Personally I don’t judge people too much and I’m pretty open minded, so the above is an exploration partly of how it is to me and partly how it is generally for people.

Well that’s pretty much all I have to say, polite commenters, the floor is open …

*PLEASE READ MY DISCLAIMER BEFORE COMMENTING*

Warm regards

Don Charisma

PS (Miley Cyrus is my celeb name for this post … for fun you may think up a tenuous connection if you like, please keep it clean and respectful, otherwise I may not be able to post)


Resources & Sources

Sexy Plastic Woman – morgueFile.com


Notes for commenters:

Don Charisma Warning Improvised Writing

Comments are invited. BUT you are reminded that this is a public blog and you are also reminded to think before you press the “post comment” button. 

Good manners are a mark of a charismatic person – so please keep comments civil, non-argumentative, constructive and related, or they will be moderated. If you feel you can’t comply, press the “unfollow” button and/or refrain from commenting.

I read ALL comments but can’t always reply. I will comment if I think there’s something that I can add to what you’ve said. I do delete without notice comments that don’t follow rules above. For persistent offenders I will ignore you permanently and/or report you.

Most decent people already know how to behave respectfully. Thank you for your co-operation on the above.

Warm regards, Don Charisma


 

DonCharisma.org Opinion Graphic


133 thoughts on ““The Slut Paradox” – Don Charisma’s Opinion

  1. I’m not sure if all men enjoy when their women express jealousy, no matter to what degree it’s felt. I enjoy watching other women flirt with my husband. It doesn’t rankle me in the least. I suppose that’s a result of the fact that my husband has demonstrated and proved his love to such a degree, that I don’t have to worry about other women. I don’t worry what he thinks of other women when he notices them. In fact, I enjoy pointing out women I know he’ll think are attractive. My husband and I had a crystal clear understanding of the parameters of our relationship, so there’s never been any surprises. We both trust each other without hesitation. By the same token, my husband isn’t threatened if I check out a guy who I think is attractive. I know without a doubt that those men cannot give me what I need in a relationship, the things my husband never fails to give me. So when I look at them, and perhaps envisioning what they might look like in their birthday suit, I am not actively looking for something better. As far as I’m concerned, my husband is the very best man in the entire known universe. People need to be more honest about their definition of love, and what their expectations are in a relationship, and from the very beginning. That way, nobody’s time gets wasted if those two people are compatible. Every single person defines love in their own unique way, and the best any of us can hope for, is to find someone whose definition of love most closely matches their own. There isn’t anything I’d be unwilling to do for my husband. I know that he would die or kill (or at least maim) for me, rather than see me hurt by anyone. He is the love of my life, and I am the love of his life. Nothing, and nobody could ever give us reason to give up on each other.

    I enjoy being a raunchy little slut for my husband. I am a lady in public, but the bedroom is a whole different arena. I don’t see anything wrong with being a slut, even if you’re not in a steady relationship with someone. Sluts and whores have saved plenty of people from death over the centuries, by giving a man something else to put his energies into. Every woman should strive for the Madonna complex. She is a lady to the world, and a woman of sexual depravity in the bedroom.

    1. Thanks I read, very eloquently put 🙂 … and I think the Madonna complex is normal for most people (women sorry !), that’s just how civilised societies tend to work, and were the paradox comes from … so double thanks !

      As for the jealously depends on the individuals, so impossible to give a definitive on that …

      Warm regards

      Don

  2. A friend in an open relationship assigned me to be his Jiminy Cricket once at a festival. He really wanted to sleep with a mutual friend of his and his wifes, but they had a rule about that. So, I asked him “What does your relationship contract with your wife say?” He wanted to argue that he should do whatever because her boyfriend was staying with them. “Did you agree to that?” The answer was yes. “Its a basic matter of contracts. Go ask your wife if she is okay with you sleeping with the friend. You made an agreement with her that you would discuss potentially awkward partners with her first” they discussed it, everyone got laid! Yay!

    Relarionships are a matter of contract. Betrayal is breach of contract.

    My most recent breakup wasnt devestating because he “cheated” it was because he hid the fact from me, knowing I had no issues with it.
    You can slut around without hurting anyone as long as youre honest and have mutually beneficial relationship agreements. If you want monogamy, dont date a self described manwhore. It doesnt devalue or make the man bad, just not the right fit for you.

    1. That’s a great perspective, and yes the “cheating” is a breach of contract in black and white way of looking at it … obviously prior to entering into a contract, say for buying a second hand car, I’d want to check the engine, brakes, tyres, service history etc … essentially in a very black and white sense that’s what I’m trying to assess in someone’s personality before entering into a boyfriend/girlfriend contract … And it’s past experience that feeds into the assessment rather than looking under the hood, although looking under the hood can be fun !

  3. Great post Don! We all do have a past, luckily I found a man that I can trust and he knows he can trust me! Both of us, first marriage. And yes, he has a past, like all of us. We knew each other’s past before we were married. It is eight years now, and still going strong. Women hit on him a lot, but he never ever gives back what they want. I have men hit on me sometimes married ones. But, I have a reputation of putting them in their place, do not like it when they hit on me. Jealousy, has not been a problem with either of us. Except, once recently and I got jealous of attention he got from a “bad girl?” But, I have realised it was not him but her. I guess it was not really even her, I kind of lost my mind, at that time. I apologized to him for my reaction. Lost my mind!

    1. Funny that, I had a similar thing happen with my girlfriend recently … it turned out I had got it wrong … no one’s perfect !

      I think mutual respect is important, and as I said in my post I don;t care about my girlfriend’s past, I’m in it for her now and future 🙂

      Cheers

      Don

  4. Interesting piece. I’d like to take this opportunity to point out a conundrum (a twist in the Slut Paradox, if you will) in which I’ve found myself for most of my life.

    In certain career fields, it is not only acceptable to be a misogynist, it is even encouraged (perhaps a bit “under the table,” but there it is sitting on the sofa, nonetheless). Bear with me. This is not to say that all the people in this career field are misogynists, but there are a significant proportion who are. Now then, the point of this comment: men, in this field, are celebrated for the number of “conquests” they have. The more of a manwhore they are, the higher their status in the group. However, for the significantly fewer women in this career field, their status in the group based on sluttiness is inversely proportional to the men. The more “conquests” a woman has, the lesser her value in the group. She is treated as stupid, incompetent, useless, good for nothing but a place to stick it; this is regardless of how intelligent she actually is, how much she actually contributes, and any other positive attributes she might have that have nothing to do with her sex life.

    Again, bear with me; the crucial element in this conundrum is yet to come. Now that we’ve established the above, it is frequently the case that a female doesn’t have to do anything but exist within the realm, and somehow a rumor gets started that she has slept with 8 of her fellow workers and let 9 others run a train on her after getting drunk at a party one night. None of this actually happened; it can generally be assumed that such rumors are borne of small minds belonging to those who have been denied access (so to speak), feel their masculinity is being threatened in some way (and therefore their position in the group is also threatened), or they’re bored with their own lives and must meddle in others’ lives (jealous that they are not getting attention as often so have to start drama and nasty rumors). Another thing I’ve noticed in such a career field is that sometimes all a woman has to do to get these rumors started about her is be pretty. She doesn’t have to act slutty, dress slutty, be slutty, or even be nice (a woman being nice often translates to her having slept with every man she’s ever talked to for some reason); sometimes, the simple fact that she is good looking is enough to get the rumor mill going. Now, to complicate the conundrum further, I’ve found that, in my experience, the best way to counter false rumors is not only to corroborate them, but try to come up with something worse about yourself. Talk about paradox.

    Now then, my query: knowing that things like this occur ALL the TIME, how can you possibly trust any reputation that precedes someone? Is it not better to simply proceed with caution, if you so desire to pursue someone in the first place? At the risk of divulging anything personal, I have some very severe trust issues to the point where intimacy (not in the sex sense but in the emotional sense) terrifies me; yet I still find it more effective to meet someone face to face and get to know them before deciding whether or not they’re worth my time/energy investment.

    DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to be a hole-poke in the paradox, rather a mildly exaggerated attempt to offer a different perspective of the whole “slut” idea and engage in discussion around it. I’ve seen a lot of people (both men and women) get unfairly judged, harassed, ostracized, and even shunned simply because some asshole somewhere stuck their nose in a place it didn’t belong or they were jealous or whatever excuse they have. Further, I don’t mean to imply that all men in my particular field are misogynists, because that is certainly not the case.

    1. Thanks, wow that’s a long one !

      Firstly the arguments that you’ve stated I’ve heard a million times before and probably would be prerequisite reading for anyone reading “the slut paradox”. Essentially, I’m assuming others are aware of these arguments.

      I already said in my article it’s a matter of perspective, and if one views these people as “misogynists” then personally I don’t feel that’s a particularly helpful perspective. It’s your opinion, and your opinion is your opinion, up to you to choose.

      I get the way certain people understand the rising and falling values of men and women in certain situations. Again not a perspective I would find personally very empowering. But as already said that’s your opinion. If you choose to take a dis-empowering perspective then it’s your responsibility if you feel dis-empowered by it.

      *ALL* Opinions are subjective and based on individual or perhaps group “truth”, doesn’t make it “the truth” for everybody. Personally I try to look beyond what the group say and find out how I feel about it. This is why I’m not particularly interested in politics, because I’m not interesting in taking on opinions based on what a group of people say is “the truth”. My truth is more relevant and better suited to living and leading a happy life.

      In answer to your question – as indicated in my post, I tend to use gut feeling to make an evaluation of trustworthiness, and this would override “reputation”. Reputation is what other people want you to know about someone, IT IS NOT THE TRUTH. DO I TRUST THE PERSON, I couldn’t care less what the group told me, most of the time it’s nonsense, politically and pecking order motivated anyway.

      We all have trust issues, it’s normal ! And yes definitely why would it be any different, you have to meet someone face to face to decide what type of relationship if any you want with them. Add to that using one’s own brain, thoughts and feelings to decide whether they are suitable for us. Perhaps a little guidance from the group, from people one knows to already be trustworthy.

      Lastly, I absolutely HATED working in the rat race, misogynist, misandrists, brown nosing, greed, inauthenticity ETC ETC ETC … so take responsibility for working in the career field you’re in. Either make the most of it, as best you can within it’s limitation, OR GET OUT OF IT AND DO SOMETHING ELSE, perhaps where people don’t treat each other like pieces of shit …

      You cannot “hole-poke” the slut paradox, it has a disclaimer which says it’s creative writing, so actually you can’t even argue with it, I’ll just say – “it’s creative writing not serious, did you think it’s serious ?”

      Cheers

      Don

      1. My apologies on the length, I didn’t even realize how long it was until I hit “post.” Funny, you and I seem agreed on most of this, actually; allow me to explain. I was not necessarily referring to myself in my current situation but so many other females I see (usually the younger ones who I suppose don’t know any better). A lot of the time, their reputations as sluts are undeserved; but, I like that people like you don’t go along with groupthink, especially on matters like that. Something like 70% of the people in my field are male, and when I say that many of them are misogynists, that isn’t just my opinion nor should it be taken that I put any emotional connotation towards it. It is a cold, hard fact of this career field. Many believe, usually from their cultural upbringing, that women should not be involved in such work; they believe we belong at home, cooking and cleaning house and whatnot. They disrespect women all the time. I happen to have thick skin and I can throw down with the boys just as well as I can get all prettied up when it’s called for, so if one of those misogynists I so happen to work with feels like talking shit, all he’ll be able to do is talk shit. And talk is cheap, yeah? 😉

        There are only two females in my shop, including me. You better believe we’re empowered over whatever crap the guys come up with. I think they secretly want us and since they can’t have us, they talk shit, since that’s happened in EVERY group in this career field I’ve ever worked with, haha 😉

      2. That’s fine, as long as people are polite and say things without making it “my fault” then happy to discuss other’s opinions. Rude and argumentative tend to end up in spam queue, I just don’t have time for it.

        With the caveat that long comments take me longer to reply to because I have to find time to read and digest.

        As for the misogynist, basically I’m saying – it takes one to know one. Generally I’ve heard this term a lot from women that seem to hate men. So I treat people who use the word with caution, it doesn’t inspire me to trust, and doesn’t generally tend to say anything good about a person who likes to use it.

        As for the housework, that’s a decision to be made by the individual couple based on their own circumstances (not by a group or political party). Chefs and cooks can be a very highly paid professionals and a well respected profession. Having a clean, tidy home and clean ironed clothes gives both man and woman a sense of pride in themselves and a happiness to be in their home. Seeing it as “menial” or “lowly” work is again perception, if someone wants to perceive it that way then they will always be unhappy doing it, or even to be seen to be doing it. See as menial or lowly – Cooking I don’t, cleaning I don’t, washing I don’t, they are taking care of ourselves and our homes which is actually incredibly noble. What is more noble than our sense of wellbeing and happiness, and taking pride in ourselves ?

        Talk is cheap and I’m a busy man …

        LOL, I can’t even begin to express how I feel about the last paragraph, other that to say, good luck with that …

        Cheers

        Don

      3. I do agree about the pride thing when it comes to cleaning the house and whatnot; if I were a stay-at-home type I certainly would spend a LOT of time taking care of the house and cooking and whatnot. Where I take issue is when someone tells me it’s where I belong and it is my job as a woman to do all those things and I should focus on that and not continue in my career and blah blah blah et cetera. I work (and at this point, live) in a “cultural desert,” as it was expressed to me once. These people belonging to this little culture pocket are very traditional, if you will, and tend to believe that the simple fact they are male not only makes them always right, but superior. They view women as beneath them, they believe women exist to serve them. I typically don’t throw around the word “misogynist,” as it has been morphed and unfairly applied to people who aren’t; but based on the description of this particular cultural desert, is it not the definition of misogyny? Am I mistaken on the definition? Should I just strike it from my vocabulary? Because I do think you’re right in that people who apply it haphazardly inspire a cautious approach to them. I only use it in this case because, well…I thought that was the definition of misogyny, but I could be wrong. I do know that if one of these here fellers shows great disrespect towards me solely on the grounds that I have different plumbing than he does, then he’s not worth my time or energy to bother with.

      4. Drifting off into language semantics surrounding words, is moving further off topic than I’m interested. The other topics also drift off into endless discussions also, so I’ll close here and say thanks for your comments, maybe I’ll discuss these issues later on my blog.

        Warm regards

        Don

  5. And lest we forget, sometimes a person will label you a “slut” because you said “no” to sleeping with them, and instead chose to be with someone else!I agree with you that in a relationship people need to be honest with each other and on the same page about what they’re doing. Even if it is an open relationship, everyone involved needs to agree to that, or else it’s just sneaking around.

    I’d respectfully disagree though that it’s “either or” in terms of dressing conservatively, etc. I’m married and monogamous now but I’ve kept all my cute dresses and things, however both my husband and I know we like to look cute for each other and at the end of the day we’re the only ones who will be taking those outfits off each other! I’d also say that someone’s past might not reflect who they are or what they want in the present…lots of people when they’re young, both guys and girls, may experiment and probably end up with a few regrettable partners along the way. Sometimes part of knowing what you DO want is finding out what you DON’T want.

    To tie it in to Miley Cyrus, well, I don’t pay much attention to people who throw around labels like “slut” to try and keep others down, and I don’t pay much attention to Miley Cyrus’s music. 🙂

    1. All points duly noted Jenny, and thanks for adding to what I wrote. And respectfully disagreeing back, this is a blog post which took me maybe an hour or so, not “The Definative Guide To The “S” Word” in 15 volumes … I’ve kept it simplified in order to retain reader interest, I’ve tried to be informative and shared some of my own experiences … All within realising that there’s a huge amount of shame that surrounds the topic and the “S” word is very emotive for a lot of people … So doing my best hun …

      My girlfriend still has all her short skirts and other sexy clothes, too, by the way …

      The calling a slut because she said no, well that’s just nasty really, he should grow a pair and find a girl that likes him … 99.999% of men have had women say no, and that’s what the rest of us had to do ! Plenty more fish and why waste time on someone who doesn’t like you – indicates a pretty weak sense of self to lie about someone in order to make them look bad.

      I’ve had a similar situation myself on wordpress with a guy who was annoyed that I followed his blog. The guy posted lies about me on the support forums, presumably to shore up his weak sense of self. I posted about it a few days ago.

      Miley Cyrus, as I said to another commenter was my tongue-in-cheek humour, generally with my celeb connection it’s challenging even to make a tenuous connection, this one, well it’s quite an obvious connection … however I haven’t joined the dots, and seems no one else has been brave enough to either 🙂

      Cheers

      Don

      1. Ah, but wouldn’t the obvious Miley Cyrus crack be too easy? Where’s the imagination in that? LOL.

        I don’t know her or what’s really going through her head, but the impression I have is this: All her life she’s been a child actress and had her image very carefully molded by the Disney company. Now that she’s legally an adult, she’s rebelling against that image, out to be as un-Disneylike as she can possibly be. I could make the argument about that Justin Bieber kid and all the trouble he’s been getting into. Though personally I find the bad girl/bad boy things they do as trite as their bubblegum Disney images were. But like I said, there’s always going to be some experimentation and error. We’re all human.

      2. LOL, well Jenny I just did a mosquito post with an easy connection, each of my opinion post has a celeb name so I’m more than welcome for any connection, tenuous or not 🙂

        I don’t really follow Myley, a) she’s not my type, and b) not overly interested in gossip/celebs … so I take what you’ve said as adding to my virtually zero knowledge … only thing I can add is didn’t Britney go through same thing, with the head shaving etc ? And probably the same story with Auguilera … but as I said, discussing celebs/gossip you’re talking to the wrong guy !

        I could go either way, I was pretty rebellious as a kid, so can’t blame them … however they are role models for young people which does give them a responsibility to role model in a healthy way … as a diving instructor they taught me about role model behaviour, so as a professional person, your students, interns, customer divers all look up to you. Why would I as a professional person want to demonstrate slovenly, lazy and unsafe practices, that’s not in anyone’s best interests, and I’d be putting other people lives at risk potentially. It doesn’t look good on my, my dive center or the industry as a whole either for poor role model instructors.

        I think Queens and Kings for instance who are role models have a terrible time because they can’t be free to do just whatever they want, they are expected to be virtuous and respectable. The benefit they get is status, money and security … they lose out on personal freedom and self expression … life is full of paradoxes as I said in the post, and it’s mentioned on my about page, often we can’t have our cake and eat it, that’s life 🙂

      3. Miley had a Disney show here when she was very young, it was popular with little girls, I remember my niece at age 6 loved the show, though by age 7 she’d seemed to outgrown it…I think it may be part of what happens with these celebrity kids who are put into the machine so very young, designed to be “role models” that they don’t get to be themselves. As an adult diving instructor you know you’ve chosen to take on certain responsibilities in order to teach people safely…but when these kids are pushed into the spotlight by their parents and the entertainment industry as young as 5 or 6 years old, can they really make an informed choice as to what they’re taking on? I think that may be why so many of them act out later.

        Eh, I dunno about the whole role model thing in general…history is also full of Queens and Kings who were tyrants rather than good role models for the people. I think it’s far better to ask questions, think for yourself, own your own mistakes, and grow into your own sovereignity. Life is a process…

      4. Agreed Jenny … for kids it’s parents responsibility to decide what their kids are doing … as these kids become adults then they take on the responsibility for what they are doing, and then it is their responsibility to act in a role model way … acting out I don’t tend to do in public, never have, don’t believe in washing dirty laundry, so why I would give a celeb free reign, I don’t know … but we’re drifting off topic (my fault)…

        If one wants to find a counter example one usually can, and that would be erring to the side or argumentative rather than cooperative conversation. So let’s make it specific, Queen Elizabeth II, has to attend public functions all year round whether “she feels” like it or not … she presumably believes that in being a role model of virtue and high moral charater she is helping people … but as I said this veering towards off topic (my fault) and drifting towards argumentative …

        “I think it’s far better to ask questions, think for yourself, own your own mistakes, and grow into your own sovereignity. Life is a process…” very much agreed Jenny 🙂

  6. What a great read. I too have been a slutty guy in the past. Now my gf of seven years has forgave me and I am seeing the light if you will.
    You are a great writer please continue.

    1. Thanks that’s very encouraging my friend, and it was a very challenging topic due to the emotive nature of the word “slut” … good that you have a good hearted patner, forgiveness shows great strength of character and a willingness to be in relationship 🙂

  7. An interesting observation. I had a female student comment on this, asking, “Why is a girl who sleeps around called a slut but a guy who does the same thing called a player?” Basically, she recognized that “slut” is a negative judgement but “player” is more of a positive one. The only answer she got was that it’s usually more acceptable for men than for women to “play the field” and no, it’s not really fair.

    1. Yes, I’ve heard this discussion before. I didn’t say there was anything fair about it. Largely my writing was about try to fair it up as best I could within how it is. I did also say that I thought men were judged on their promiscuity, or not, too, and there’s plenty of women I’ve met who would be dubious of a guy that’s a player, so basically the same thing. I know women that SCREEN EXTREMELY HARD for one night stand merchant and players. I also know men that would be happier to connect with a woman who was regarded as a “slut”. So really underneath the simple comparison of two different words which mean different things, it’s not so black and white as one’s good, one’s bad and it’s not fair. It’s like comparing cheese and apples, or actually like comparing man and woman, which are as most people know different, in at the very least in physicality.

      Fair it is not I agree, but if one wants to achieve fairness, then do we start to call everyone “man”, or call everyone “woman” and then how far do we go with this, perhaps surgery to make all men women or women men. How equal does one want it ?

      Cheers

      Don

      1. I know people who’ve got that surgery! Tran* issues are a whole other part of this equation. But maybe a question would be, does “equality” mean everyone exactly alike? Or does it mean everyone valued and having the same rights despite their differences? I think the latter.

      2. It’s a valid question Jenny, I may explore in later posts as it’s starting to drift off topic into politics (my fault). A lot of these issues carry very strong feelings, so one step at a time 🙂

  8. IMHO, one of the main elements of the downfall of Western culture is the promotion of unbridled promiscuity. It is promoted in Hollyweird movies as well as certain social movements—such as Neo-Feminism. Young women used to be the “gate-keepers” of men’s sexual morality, but nowadays, young “sluts” are just looking for their next “hook-up.”

    When I was a young man—and was overly-motivated by my hormonal responses to attractive females—I was always on “the hunt” for “sluts”: for extremely short-term “relationships.” At the same time, I was also seeking a woman for a long-term relationship—and possibly marriage.

    The Paradox for me was that the two were pretty much “mutually exclusive.” I wasn’t interested in anything long-term with a young lady who was “hot-to-trot” with me right off the bat, because I figured she would just as easily be hot-to-trot with the NEXT guy that came along. I wasn’t interested in investing any more of my time and attention in a “slut” than was necessary in order to “score.”

    If a young woman that I was attracted-to wanted to get to “know” me better—and wanted to spend some time “dating”—before we (possibly) made “the four legged monster”, then, in my mind (and heart), she was possible “girlfriend” material. For me, applying the labels of “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” implied “exclusivity” for BOTH of us. In general, that type of thinking has become passé for the younger generation, who have become indoctrinated with promiscuity as a “norm” for both males and females. But, down the road, promoscuity makes trust in “exclusive” relationships much harder.

    1. Hey Lech, thanks for sharing your own experiences and how it is for you. I always do enjoy your comments which are always eloquently put. Little to add to polite and thoughtful comments such are yours 🙂

      Warm regards

      Don

      1. Well, thank you! I could not find the study I read a few years ago, but here is a link to a recent study concerning the “promiscuity” level of various countries around the globe. The one I had read a few years ago also categorized the promiscuity differences between men and women in each country. If I recall, it would be easiest for a “foreign man to “score” a one-night-stand with a woman in NZ or Germany. Because, in those countries, promiscuity figures (number of partners) were not evenly distributed between the 2 sexes: the women were more promiscuous than the men. In the study below, Finland tops the list as the most “promiscuous” country of the ones surveyed:
        http://www.floatingpath.com/2012/02/14/countries-ranked-promiscuity/

  9. Great post Don. Yes these are issues I have had to deal with in my long term relationships too. Funny I was just wondering a few days ago if I was a slut in my younger years! Hahaha… Thanks to your definition I was not a slut… just a bit easy. These days I am much more restrained and feel what is the point really without a deep soul connection with someone and some compatibility because i am more practical now too. I am a slow learner. ^_^

    1. Thanks 🙂 You and me both on the slow learner thing 🙂 … and day’s of chasing anything with breasts are numbered for me I think, much happier with a lady who it’s a “real” connection … although my radar does send me alerts quite often if I go to the beach for instance … I think playing around is normal for people who are at that time in their life … and also it’s normal for people to want stability, intimacy, companionship, love, exclusivity and so on 🙂

      Cheers

      Don

  10. We humans are ridiculously defective…the bottom line is you can’t make someone stay with you. No matter what you do or say. We fling mud at each other, but at the end, our past is what makes us who we are. The slut paradox is subjective. Used a lot in anger and jealousy…

    1. Agreed, in fact I’d go further than that to say all opinions are subjective and all experience is subjective, in fact very hard to find anything that human beings do that’s not …

      Definitely can’t make someone stay with you, but one can choose a parter who has integrity, loyalty and is trustworthy, for me those are factors which make it more likely a partner will stay with.

  11. Thankfully I am married to a very trustworthy man. The line that got me, much akin to that overused line “you had me at hello” is when after dating for awhile, he asked me, “Will you be exclusive?” I knew I would marry him after he said that. 😀

    1. I’m happy for you Laura, and you very well illustrated that exclusivity is important to you, and that a man that values it to (whom you like obviously) is your perfect partner. Not some player or playboy man-whore … So pretty much one of the things I was trying to say, is a man’s reputation and who he is is just as important as it is for a woman.

      Blessed with clever friends I am 🙂

      Don

      1. I agree!! I use that word a lot in typing for effect, lol. There should be some emoticon representation! Stand up and fight!!! We want POUTS!!!

      2. I get on a roll sometimes…I’m sure it’s not noticeable. lol Don’t worry if you can’t respond to every manic comment I make. Sometimes I just love to hear myself talk haha. It’s really bad when I can sit here and entertain myself!

      3. I don’t mind hun, you keep going … sometimes I just behind on comments … I think Lech wants to jam with you I just approved his comment to yours …

  12. Is it not the case that in today’s ‘Have it all’ society youngsters are so bombarded with choice that they carry that over to their relationships as well. As soon as the quest for the Hidden Treasure is accomplished they just move on to the next desirable things with better graphics and more features. I would be surprised if many people nowadays come without a history. Only when we get a little older and wiser do we desire to give and receive trust, which if given in good faith has to be accepted the same way. I think strong relationships can only be built on that one issue and true love (yes I used that strange concept for a man) will ultimately result in unconditional trust.

  13. This is a tough topic, DC.
    It all comes down to communication and rules. Being on the same page is best, I’d say. Less drama there, too. However, jealousy is a tough one, a beast all its own. I’ve dated a lot of men who were jealous of my personality with other people. I’ve been hit on by married men, a lot. I’ve been cheated on by a husband, tried forgiving for children, and its not easily done. (Thought I could be open enough to offer help on a comment, but turns out I can’t…)

    One loses themselves if you do for someone else too much, I think.
    I like who I am. Trust is most important for everyone involved. Being your authentic person is most important, too. At the end of the day, respect, be honest, but be who you’re meant to be, I think. ( Think I said the same thing three times, but I’m not changing it.)

  14. Good post, man or woman chances are we’ve all been in a relationship with a slut. Does the mentality of wanting the cake and eat it change in the case of celebs, or does it just become magnified because of the media? Miley, haha…what about Taylor Swift and her penchant for dating guys for what may seem like mere hours and dropping them like yesterday’s news. This has to have an effect on kids as role models in a negative light.

      1. No prob, I do agree tho that if you’re going to have fun and play the field, there should be guidelines/rules to set and abide by. There’s a fine line between that and just being the other four letter S word, slag.

      2. I agree, my blog describing my past many would refer to me as a slut but every guy I was “with” knew about any other. They had been made aware of my sexuality. I think honesty is important to avoid hurtful situations. I’m not saying I was right or wrong but for me, my avoidance of bad or “wrong” situations was honesty. Honest Slut?

  15. I’m a confirmed slut for my man, but the rest of the world will just have to wonder! As for male “sluts”, as per your definition, I call them manwhores.

  16. I think there is a vast difference between playing the field and being a ‘slut’ (in my definition). It’s not a word I like. It even sounds harsh on the tongue. I have probably used it once in the past 10 years when describing a person I knew way back. I was judged harshly for using the word but I felt it was justified.

  17. Women are very territorial, even more so than men. being cheated on is a hard thing, especially when you are young. It is a betrayal and a person can carry it for a long time.
    I like my woman to be loyal and sluttish in my bed, I like my woman to feel and act sexy. I like to be faithful to my woman. I call it the Safe Slut Paradox, but it is really just a Kink that I delude myself with.

  18. Interesting topic Don 😉
    You ask for opinions and I think you will receive answers out from how old people are.

    When we are young we want all for us, when we become more mature, it changes for many.

    When I have lived as a single, I did what I felt was right for me in that moment.

    When I choose or choosed to live in a relationship, I wished honesty and loyalty.

    I know myself well enough to know, that if the mutual respect and love exist, I don’t need anything else.

    If this are gone I prefer to end the relationship in a good way instead of hurting by cheating.

    It is never nice to be cheated.

    I will come back and read more opinions here 🙂

    1. Thanks Irene, and I think that’s the same for most people, no one likes to be cheated on … and when we’re younger often it’s more carefree … I suspect we might get a few more comments on this one, so do come back later 🙂

  19. On the practical side there are a lot of nasty diseases out there that you wouldn’t want to get nor take home to your sweetheart.
    That’s the nurse in me speaking.
    Leslie

  20. Why not be a slut and be in a relationship? Why does being slut equate to promiscuity? The loneliest time of my life was when I was ‘tomming’ every night, just felt soulless. I’m far happier, without any of the details, being a slut with my DH, and I can certainly go further in this context than I ever could on a one nighter.

    1. Because I was trying to keep what is a complex issue simple … of course the paradox has a million shades and variations … if your partner is happy with you being not exclusive and happy for you to be slut, then sure why not … and yes I wanted to mention that very promiscuous lifestyle on ones own can be incredibly lonely, I remember a line from a song “giving up the blues and one night stands” … personally I’m happy for people to do what they want as long as it doesn’t cause me (or my loved ones) harm …

  21. Ah, now, you’ve missed something out here..the original meaning of the word slut referred to a slovenly women who has made no effort with herself or her home and therefore looks a mess and lives in a mess. That’s what slut means to me.
    As for the modern day version…both men and women can play the field, that doesn’t make them ‘sluts’ to me, it’s an attitude and a particular behaviour that I think renders people sluts. Which pretty takes it almost full circle really: someone that doesn’t care enough for themselves x

  22. I pick at my husband every time I see him notice someone else and call him a man-slut. That or if he is looking a little to good before he go’s out i’ll look at him and say, yous a hooooe

      1. He likes it cause I only do it when im a little jealous, and it makes him feel good when I am jealous for some reason, I guess that helps him realize I still think he is hott

      2. LOL, so there’s a little bit of catty anger in there too … yup, he’s got good taste alright, a gentle bit of jealousy is kind of reassuring, it’s when my suits get cut up with scissors and thrown onto the lawn … now that jealousy isn’t cool or hot ! … psycho-bitch, bunny boiler jealousy …

      3. Phew … I was really trembling at this end, bunny I’d sent to a friend’s house just in case !
        Joking aside sounds like you’ve both good sense of humour, which is one of the most valuable things in a relationship 😉

  23. … that pic you chose to represent and ‘advertise’ the essay would make one fine figurehead on a sailing vessel. Representing the spirit of the ship to her crew, the crew always knows they have to ‘treat her right’ if she’s ‘going to take care of them’. No cheating on that lady. Davey Jones’ locker is the resting place of shipmates who have…. Fair winds on your travels.

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