“Missing Loved Ones” – Don Charisma’s Opinion

I remember many many moons ago seeing a title of “Missing kids” … My brain works incredibly slowly sometimes, I thought it was about say parents who’d been separated from the children for some reason. On closer inspection, it was about kids that had gone missing. This post ISN’T about loved ones who have gone missing.

So I’m sorry for the misleading title, perhaps someone can suggest a better one.

What I’m talking about is our loved one that are no longer with us, perhaps they’ve passed away or sometimes it’s because of a relationship breakdown.

Grief is never something that’s “easy” to process, it simply hurts to become separated from someone we care about. We miss the way that they smiled, the way they talked, laughed, even argued with us. It simply hurts to know that we’ll never see them again.

I posted recently about “thinking too much”, and one of my readers replied with enough material for probably a month of opinion posts in one comment. Really I should ask her to write my opinion posts for the next year, she’d be awesome at it. Far from being an issue or a problem, the positives that came for me, is that a lot of us are asking the same questions or have the same unresolved things we’re thinking about. So thank you to her for volunteering the things that she thinks about, I’m grateful.

Sometimes I’ve found resolution, closure etc comes from going through an “emotional process”. I remember watching for instance “The Bucket List” with Nicholson and Freeman, a movie in which a process is described that terminally ill people go through – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

It’s a similar type of process that I think we go through when it’s a loved one who’s passed away or a significant relationship has broken down forcing us apart. I don’t know the exact order and emotions in the process, I’m not a psychologist or other professional. But certainly hurt, grief, sadness, anger are emotions that come up. My personal experience is that the acceptance part is even harder when the person hasn’t passed away but simply left us because they weren’t happy with us anymore, not “in love” any more. In this case there’s still a chance they might change their mind or circumstances change, which makes it even harder to “let go” (the acceptance). With a passing away there is a finality, a closure.

DonCharisma.org-wikipedia-Mother-Teresa-1986

I do believe that ultimately we have to “let go”, our departed loved ones wouldn’t want us to be sad and grieving for long, they’d want us to be happy and remember the happy times. I also think that “letting the process happen” rather than resisting helps to expedite the resolution. So we may need to plan the time that we need in order to work through it, as we’re talking about pretty strong emotions that can entirely unbalance us. It may also be that we need to call on the people in our support systems, family and friends, to be there for us.

People without a significant support system may need to seek help from counsellors, doctors or other professionally trained people for support. Some have their faith and others that share the same faith that might help. It may be that for some people that they need friends, family, their faith and professional support.

In any case I think it’s probably unwise to brush of this kind of thing aside as not affecting one, usually it does and we need to be aware that is does. This is probably the most important point of all. No man (or woman) is an island.

IF YOU ARE GRIEVING AT PRESENT, THEN PLEASE ACCEPT MY CONDOLENCES, I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.


What I’ve found with these opinion posts, is that often it’s not really about my opinion, but very interesting to hear what others have to say. Some of you guys are a lot smarter than me. Of course there are morons too, but most of them now seem to read my disclaimers and find other places for their pernicious ways of being  🙂

PLEASE DO BE CONSIDERATE OF THOSE WHO MAY BE GRIEVING IN YOUR COMMENTS.

Warm regards

Don Charisma

PS (Mother Teresa is my celeb name for this post … for fun you may think up a tenuous connection if you like, please keep it clean and respectful, otherwise I may not be able to post)


Resources & Sources

Mother Teresa 1986 – Wikipedia CC


Notes for commenters:

Don Charisma Warning Improvised Writing

Comments are invited. BUT you are reminded that this is a public blog and you are also reminded to think before you press the “post comment” button. 

Good manners are a mark of a charismatic person – so please keep comments civil, non-argumentative, constructive and related, or they will be moderated. If you feel you can’t comply, press the “unfollow” button and/or refrain from commenting.

I read ALL comments but can’t always reply. I will comment if I think there’s something that I can add to what you’ve said. I do delete without notice comments that don’t follow rules above. For persistent offenders I will ignore you permanently and/or report you.

Most decent people already know how to behave respectfully. Thank you for your co-operation on the above.

Warm regards, Don Charisma


 

DonCharisma.org Opinion Graphic


71 thoughts on ““Missing Loved Ones” – Don Charisma’s Opinion

    1. Just had a chance to look, and thanks hun … I know in myself there’s an emotional process, and I think it’s helpful sometimes to know the steps I’m going through or will pass through for my awareness 🙂

  1. This is a very profound post, Don and possibly your best since I started following your blog.

    My mother passed away last November 17th, just 9 days before my 58th birthday. My mom and I were very close and throughout my life she always accepted me for who I was and didn’t judge me. That doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t offer advice or criticize me if she thought I was doing something unwise but she was always fair, loving and encouraging.

    When I was unemployed, my wife and I lost our apartment and we were homeless for 3 years. Mom was heart-broken that she couldn’t help in a material way. However, she supported us with kind words and her love which never faltered. She kept us strong as I got a job, rebuilt our lives and we got back on our feet.

    I miss her so much, there are times when it physically hurts. Then there are other times when I feel so calm and at peace that I’m certain she is with me in some way, watching over me.

    Just recently, I found out that one of my sisters has cancer. She is going through treatment and it is so difficult for her. I try to keep in contact with her as much as possible but it’s not enough. We live on opposite ends of the country and I worry so much for her.

    You are so right about the effects of grief and loss. At times it can drain the life from you and at others, as you come to accept and move forward it can be a source for strength as well. But the hurt can always resurface from time to time and that’s a reality of life.

    Thank you for this post. Your words are always inspiring and positive.

    Best Regards,
    Eric

    1. Hey Eric, I’m terribly sorry about the late reply, my comments are a lot at the moment …

      I love what you wrote, it’s very honest and from the heart. I am glad that had a mum that loved you so much and was there for you through thick and thin. Not everyone get so lucky with parents. My luck has been with my dad, who’s in his 70’s now, and I do miss him everyday, must find the time to visit on my short trip back to UK.

      Speak soon

      Don

  2. Reblogged this on da Zêna and commented:
    I lost my wife 17 April 2014, never anything diagnosed until 4 February 2014, first hope things would get better, maye viral, then the verdict TERMINAL. Passed 40 or more days just waiting waiting waiting for her to die,her suffering,her courage,her helplessness. Then death. We loved,argued…ecc usual in a couple 35 years together. Never knew Grief like this before having lost many loved ones before. DOLORE,PAIN,HURT. Without her……………….

  3. My partner is missing and processing the grief is difficult. I think it’s called ‘unresolved’. They haven’t died (as far as you know), they may have left you but you know not why or there could be a million other reasons for your loss. Few people will talk about the person because they just don’t know what to say. I know this was not about ‘missing persons’ but many of the emotions are just the same.

    1. For sure Jane, and obviously my sympahies 🙂 … I did try to intimate that talking about relationship breakdowns … I think the hardest part is finding the closure … and you’re right it is hard to know what to say, I think most of the time people don’t want to make things more difficult … best wishes Don

  4. You keep writing that you are not a smart man but you are. You are sensitive and intuitive about people. If you mean that you do not have a lengthy university education – I know a lot of people who do. They may be brilliant in their field, but they often possess no people skills whatsoever. Smart is having the insight to determine what is poignant and significant, what is worthy and enduring, what is meaningful and rich. That kind of smart, dear Don, you have.
    This was a touching post. Look at all the folks you’ve touched with your thoughts, allowing them a chance to express theirs.

    1. Thanks Sharon and believe it or not I have a BSc 2.1 Computer Science … I try and keep a bit humble, try not to get ahead of myself, it’s not always that I need to be singing my own praises too much … I’ve always been quite perceptive, but only since something major changed in my life back in 2006 that I’ve concentrated more on the emotional/spiritual/social side of things … basically I’m a recovering geek LOL

      Best to handle things like grief with sensitivity, I know that I’m pretty sensitive when I’m experiencing it, so reckon others might be too 🙂

      1. Oops! So very sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you aren’t well educated, and you’ve mentioned a few times about being at college. You are way ahead of me on technical – computer skills, which is why you manage a huge and successful blog that’s followed by thousands, and I can’t even figure out how to post a simple photo on mine. I just meant that sometimes you say you’re not the brightest guy around, but I think your brilliance is evident – in all things but especially in the scope of this post. Please accept my apologies for suggesting anything else.

      2. Sharon, already forgiven, and honestly it’s no problem for me … I just do my best and try have fun, be happy, mainly that’s what’s important 🙂

  5. I find that allowing yourself some time to grieve is a necessary component for dealing with loss. That and a good support structure. Hope you have both.

  6. One has to look at that type of loss as a positive. The more emotionally involved the more it’s going to hurt. If the person lost is dead, you just have to work threw the pain. But the relationship was significant and one’s life was enriched by it. If it is the loss of a relationship, and they have moved on, although painful, it was probably for the best. Better the loved one is there because they want to be there. That is the ultimate.
    Leslie

  7. I wouldn’t like to hazard a guess at the number of people I’ve cared for during their last few months, weeks, days and hours of life – right up to, including and after the point of death. It’s something I see as an absolute privilege.

    The one thing that undoubtedly helps a dying person to deal with what’s coming (and what in turn is a great healer for those of us left behind) is allowing the person freedom to say what they want, do as they wish and tie up whatever loose ends they feel necessary before they head off to elsewhere.

    With and after that comes this incredible calm and acceptance like you wouldn’t believe. Not sadness or regret that their life is about to end – just pure calm and acceptance. Giving that gift to a loved one and seeing them go out peacefully and almost with a “Bring it. I’m ready” sort of feel is an enormous sense of comfort to relatives in the days that follow.

  8. Nice post with lots to think about. My best friend died when we were 16 and that was 50 years ago. I still find myself thinking of Lynn and still experience a bit of the grief I felt then. It never really goes away. Just a comment about Mother Teresa: she was Romani (Gypsy) and I am too. A lot of us get grief (no pun intended) from many people who are bigoted and stereotype us, so Mother Teresa is someone I am proud of. I know I could not have shown love and devotion to all those poor souls she nursed even though my grandma was a drabarni (healer) and passed along some of the knowledge to me. Mother Teresa really was a modern-day saint.
    🙂

    1. Thanks … I chose Mother Teresa because I think she’s a widely recognised “healer” who would be able to help people with their grief … I didn’t do any research, usually run with my first thought, and glad therefore that it struck a chord with you 🙂

      I have a friend who is a healer, so I understand what you told me 🙂

  9. Grief never goes away. It does become easier to live with over time. In the past week or so I have remembered the anniversary of the death of my grandmother 8 years ago and remembered my baby brother on the day he would have turned 39. Grief (unfortunately) has become a big part of my life with the loss of too many. Yes we go through all of those emotions – not necessarily in that order though. But life goes on and we must go with it. As I write this I am in a motel room a couple of hours from home to see my oldest graduate from uni today. I wish those we have lost could be here to join in the celebrations but we carry them in our hearts.

  10. I have had so much grief that ,all my siblings ;2 sisters and 1 brother and I am the oldest are dead.My sisters died in 1993 and 1996 at 18 yrs and 28 yrs.As time went on I feel we regrouped with my brother,he was 25 yrs in 1996.He went on to have 4 children himself and with my mother we became a new family.My parents were separated and we all grew up with my father,who went missing in 1997 up to now.Our ‘new family’ was then devasted when my brother was brutally murdered last July 2013.At the moment I feel I and my mother are greiving for each of them now

  11. I have not “let go” of my dead loved ones. That is not in my power. I have however, let go of the sadness and anger at their passing. I still keep them in my heart and with memories. People told me about the stages of grief, how counseling helps, blah blah blah. We all greive differently and for different reasons and for different things. It takes me awhile to accept a death and move on to a different understanding. But no, I have not let go of my loved ones. I have let go of the old way of embracing and loving them and have moved on to a new.

    Good opinion post. It sure got me to thinking!

  12. Bear in mind, I mean no disrespect, but… I would like to know exactly what Mother Teresa has to do with the subject of this particular post; i.e., what she’s done or said about the subject of grief or loss. I’m unfamiliar with her works, and I am interested to know how she fits in. Thanks 🙂

  13. Very poignant for me right now Don..yesterday it was two years since my best friend lost a very short, very vicious battle against a rare form of cancer. When she died, I thought I would never smile again, I couldn’t imagine ever laughing or being happy again. But time does pass, and however much you try and hold it back, life does move on, and you get to the point when you do smile again, and you do laugh, and you don’t have to feel guilty. Now, I can celebrate having had such an amazing friend, I can appreciate everything she gave me in all of the time I knew her, as well as everything she has brought to my life since losing her. It doesn’t mean I didn’t still sob my heart out yesterday though 😦

    1. Thanks Elaine. Thanks for making clearly the point I danced around quite softly which over time it does get easier, although I don’t know that we ever completely let go … I still think of departed loved ones and it does hurt, just not so much as time goes on … and good to be able to get to the point where we’re able to smile about the good things 🙂

      1. Thanks Elaine, yes I’m ok, just been a pretty busy week … and yes topics that have been posted, not surprised … you still have my email welcome to email me anytime, with the caveat I’ve been processing millions of messages so just be gentle with me on the length of the email 🙂 Hope you’re OK too Elaine, you’re a good friend, I was singing your praises only yesterday, lady had some issues over citing a recipe, suggested you might know more about it being THE food extraordinaire 🙂

  14. Death is something inevitable, but it is always tragic. My parents were older when I was born, so we talk about death and dying. I always say that I am prepared for the day when I will lose them, but I am sure that I will be devastated when it happens.

  15. I needed this post today 🙂 I have dealt with 3 really tough losses so far in my life and I still fight my internal demons about the latter departure. Grieving is different for everyone. I cried like a baby for my grandparents bc they were rather young and for cancer to take them so quickly, I just couldnt understand tge fairness. My grandfather came to me in a dream a couple of years later and asked me, “Ange, why are you carrying on like that? Dont you see my and Bearl together? Why im in better shape now than I ever was!” I cried a little more after waking but have accepted it…my ex on the other hand, still struggling with…….but thank you, I realize its time to grow!

  16. You can’t tell it better. You remind me one of my post I wrote in my blog which inspired in one of my stories. In the past, I hadn’t anyone who talk about my problems, but unexpectedly one person came into my life and everything changes. My darkness art became in colorful art.

  17. Yes I agree Don… it is important to deal with our grief emotions. When there wasn’t friends or family to talk to, earlier in my life, I would write in journals all my thoughts and feelings. I have also found sad movies or dramas or with a similar storyline to what i have gone thru have helped me to work thru any remaining or unresolved emotions i might have with others. And I have found we can write letters or just speak soul to soul to anyone with us here in this dimension or not with us, as all communication is received.

    1. That’s very helpful Sheilan … I found personally that movies were a good way to help work through emotional processes … good movies I think have to work through emotions properly in order to be credible, and some incredibly talented people making (some) movies 🙂

      1. Sounds like a very interesting and noble review … I watched hundreds of movies during one period, and benefited greatly in my emotional intelligence, I think !

  18. I’ve found being a good listener for those who have lost someone is invaluable. Everyone’s grief is deeply personal and it’s impossible to be in someone else’s shoes because of the tapes we’ve accumulated over the years. Back in the day (when I was more sane lol) I volunteered as a grief counselor. So many people would tell me that no one understood. And that’s because no one can but we can be there for people who are going through these difficult times. Knowing there are others around that love and care about you are the most important stabilizers. HUGS

  19. Very nicely said Don. There are many types of losses we grieve about during our lifetime but death has absolute permanence which makes it hard to cope with. My sincere empathy goes out to anyone who has or is struggling with such a loss. The importance of living each day to the fullest with thoughtful kindness and as though it is our last should be lessons for all of us to be well versed in. Be well all…

  20. Thank you. I try to write about grief, but it is so hard, and I always break down. I write about my dad on occasion though, on my blog. It helps. I lost my dad (who was only 48) on 12/4/2012 from an unexpected stroke, almost 3 months after giving birth to my son. I was a total wreck, and still am. My dad will never know his grandson, and my son is only going to know him through stories and pictures, and you have no idea how that hurts. They would have been best friends. Although my dad and I argued quite a bit, and wouldn’t speak for weeks at a time (because we are both bullheaded), he was my best friend and I miss him everyday. Certain songs (Pink Floyd, “Wish You Were Here”) KILL me when they come on the radio. My husband doesn’t get it either. Doesn’t understand why I just break down for “no reason.” But I don’t want to talk to him about it anyways. He’s a dude, and that dude does not do emotion. So, besides being with my sisters and friends (my mother has lost her mind and is acting like a teenager now), I have no one. No one. So, I see a therapist now, and it helps. I hope people realize that they do not have to go it alone. It’s too much of a burden to keep it to yourself. Those who truly love you won’t mind if they are the shoulder for you to cry on. Thanks so much. A very tearful, yet pleasant article.

    1. You’re welcome, and very sorry for your loss … you’re already doing the right things, so not much for me to add. My other commenters have left some useful and insightful comments so you may wish to read what they’ve said too 🙂

      Warm regards

      Don

    2. I am sorry for your losses also. Your mention of your mother sparked a memory in me of the loss of one of my brothers (there have been 3). My sister in law completely ‘went off the rails’ for quite some time as part of her grieving. When I went through my divorce I did things and acted completely out of character. It is all part if grieving. I believe your mother will return to ‘normal’ soon. Take care and be kind to yourself at this time.

  21. Hi Don,

    Kudos for another “Thought” provoking post. I understood what you were saying. We must be on the same brain wave because I just did a blog post on my Recovery Blog about my “Broken Relationship” with my Father, and how I do miss having him in my life. Also, in Recovery,….”Thinking To Much” is a No, No….as it may lead us to a “Pity Party”…LOL

    Blessings,
    *Catherine* 🙂 Xo

    1. Thanks Catherine and you’re welcome … and yes pity party could be a pitfall …

      One thing that’s become aparent in my opinion posts is that there’s a lot of people with the same questions and unresolved issues … it’s not always a resolution, but talking about it and listening to other people’s points of view can help 🙂

      Cheers

      Don

  22. When my mother died a dreadful death through lung cancer in 1987, I found no-one wanted to talk about grief or death and in the end I went to see a psychologist. It was the best thing I ever did, not only did she help me cope with my mother’s death, she also helped me start to deal with the dysfunctional relationship I had with my father which I really hadn’t acknowledged and which led to periods of depression for me. If you’re like me, you start with faltering steps when you lose someone from your life – whether through death or different paths – but it’s up to each individual to sort out how to cope. There are no rules or regulations which say you must deal with grief in a set number of months or years, each of us is individual, so trust yourself. If you need to, get counselling or good support from a non-judgmental friend, it helped me no end, and it’s not weak to get support, it’s plain commonsense. As it happens the counselling for me opened up eventually to a completely new life where I’m far more creative, I don’t hang around waiting for people’s approval, and the depression episodes are a thing of the past.

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