Circa 2050 – Google Inc (GOOG) have just announced their new relationship counselling and personal problems resolution services – “Google Mediate”, “Google Counselling” and “Google Talk-To-A-Friend”. It comes only a month after the massive success of their new “Google Telepathy” and “Google Clairvoyancy” technologies in their latest smart phone the iPhone 41. The iPhone 41 is revolutionary because unlike in the Apple days (before they went broke), it now can read your mind, predict the future and second guess your thoughts. So for those of you who don’t have one, you no longer need to search or flick through your songs to find your favourite vintage Britney Spears tune. You just imagine the tune you want and it starts playing on your device.
This technology has found a great many uses for many demographics. Porn addicts for instance can purchase an app, and now they just think of the scene they’d like to see. Microsoft will then render the true to life bespoke porn movie of their choosing, streamed in real time to their device. No more sifting through crap, and not being able to find the real deal. Microsoft who used to be big in computer operating systems until the early 2010’s, teamed with Playboy’s Hugh Hefner and switched to digital porn after their firm nearly went bankrupt due to the flop of their much despised “Windows 8”. They couldn’t at the time decide between Microboy and Playsoft. Playsoft was favoured, but Bill Gates is reported to have said “I’m not letting Hugh get the upper hand on this one, he’s sleezy and we need an air of respectability”, so they stuck with Microsoft. Ironically as we all know the now deceased Bill refused the cyborg modifications, and Hef Version 2 now runs Microsoft. Gotta love the Hef.
Microsoft caused outrage in 2025 by making porn actresses and actors entirely redundant, with their latest advance in their “Microsoft Orifice” technology. These advancements made is possible to render fully true-to-life porn, without the need of human actors. Since then it’s gone from strength to strength. Yester-decade’s suit wearing alpha males who used to go into an office and work all day with Microsoft Office (who remembers Excel and Powerpoint ?), have now become metro-sexual guys who stay at home and enjoy porn all day. The guys say it’s much more fun than reality TV and Facetube, because they don’t have to get emotionally involved, therefore more able to just “be themselves”. Which means it leaves them more time for beer, football and fight club.
So what of the forgotten, ignored and abandoned ladies who prefer Facetube and reality TV ? Well there’s been a lot of relationship problems due to the end of masculinism, and the ensuing men refusing to work anymore in 2020. The men have their porn and beer, but the ladies are still left wanting somewhat after a hard day bricklaying or shooting criminals. Google recognised this trend and why they’ve made available “Google Mediate” along with “Google Counselling” and “Google Talk-To-A-Friend”. We spoke to one of it’s brainchilds, Isafeminist Page (Google’s CEO), lovechild of Larry Page and Miley Cyrus. She tells us that her biggest motivation was that she believes her husband lies to her and ignores her, and that many women are subjected daily to such vile despicable behaviour from men. She also went on to say that she feels paying a gazillion dollars an hour to a shrink when Google could do it for free is absolutely scandalous.
Isafeminist, or Isa as she likes to be known, has told us exclusively – “It wasn’t terribly difficult to take Google Telepathy and Google Clairvoyancy from the iPhone and combine it with brain dumps we’d extracted from dead psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists”. Freud’s brain retrieved from cryogenic storage, surprisingly was said to entirely contain crochet and knitting patterns, and therefore wasn’t used in the system. Google says it now has evidence that all Freud’s work was done by a female chimp with a typewriter, who Freud kept in his basement.
Google’s new systems can now understand the asker’s question, counsel the asker and then optionally provide the answer. It also recognises whether the asker just wants to talk about their feelings and stay in denial OR wants closure with the answer. Isa goes on to reveal that the system helped her come to terms with her own husband’s lying and ignoring her. Isa was surprised by what she learn’t from the system’s pre-release version. She says it made her feel 100% validated and was immediately sure that she wants a divorce. She can’t disclose what was revealed to her as it would compromise Google’s trade secrets of their much coveted special sauce recipe. The recipe is believed to have originated with long deceased Steve Jobs of the former Apple company who stole it from Colonel Sanders, the KFC icon.
It’s also been revealed that the system has correctly answered the age old question of “What is the meaning of life ?” which as we all know is 42.
Google Counselling, Google Mediate and Google Talk-To-A-Friend the relationship mediation and personal problem resolution services will be available publicly (for free) later this month. Google is very pleased because in the past they’d never been able to give search results that satisfied this segment of their searchers. Having resorted to things like showing spam results, displaying never-ending adverts and displaying irrelevant results, they concluded that none of these strategies were working. Searchers were resorting to things like asking their friends, drinking heavily then having casual sex OR going to see mental health professionals. Google have always been big on DIY, hence the expression “Google it” and didn’t want to let this massive advertising revenue stream slip away. So they decided on some lateral thinking. It became obvious quite quickly – give the searchers what they were actually asking for. Who knew ? Could it be that simple ? Yes, turns out it is.
Google hopes that men will use the service. But a spokesman for “Bring Back Masculinism” BBM said a survey of their members indicated that men would probably largely ignore it, the same as they had with all the other female oriented services like Reality TV and Facetube. He went on to say that if Google were to call it “Google Women’s Mud Wrestling” or “Google Beer” they might be more successful.
TRUE ? Of course not, it’s a most unlikely future, but I had fun writing it !
(The title turned up in my Search Terms today – best writing prompt possible – answer a real question)
By Don Charisma (c) 2014
Resources & Sources
Facetube Logo – www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtzEqfC-siE (RiccardoEstateMDM)
Dumb Inscription Photo – morgueFile
Hugh Hefner / Miley Cyrus – Wikipedia
Google Classic – Google Images
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