Circa 2050 – Google Inc (GOOG) have just announced their new relationship counselling and personal problems resolution services – “Google Mediate”, “Google Counselling” and “Google Talk-To-A-Friend”. It comes only a month after the massive success of their new “Google Telepathy” and “Google Clairvoyancy” technologies in their latest smart phone the iPhone 41. The iPhone 41 is revolutionary because unlike in the Apple days (before they went broke), it now can read your mind, predict the future and second guess your thoughts. So for those of you who don’t have one, you no longer need to search or flick through your songs to find your favourite vintage Britney Spears tune. You just imagine the tune you want and it starts playing on your device.
This technology has found a great many uses for many demographics. Porn addicts for instance can purchase an app, and now they just think of the scene they’d like to see. Microsoft will then render the true to life bespoke porn movie of their choosing, streamed in real time to their device. No more sifting through crap, and not being able to find the real deal. Microsoft who used to be big in computer operating systems until the early 2010’s, teamed with Playboy’s Hugh Hefner and switched to digital porn after their firm nearly went bankrupt due to the flop of their much despised “Windows 8”. They couldn’t at the time decide between Microboy and Playsoft. Playsoft was favoured, but Bill Gates is reported to have said “I’m not letting Hugh get the upper hand on this one, he’s sleezy and we need an air of respectability”, so they stuck with Microsoft. Ironically as we all know the now deceased Bill refused the cyborg modifications, and Hef Version 2 now runs Microsoft. Gotta love the Hef.
Microsoft caused outrage in 2025 by making porn actresses and actors entirely redundant, with their latest advance in their “Microsoft Orifice” technology. These advancements made is possible to render fully true-to-life porn, without the need of human actors. Since then it’s gone from strength to strength. Yester-decade’s suit wearing alpha males who used to go into an office and work all day with Microsoft Office (who remembers Excel and Powerpoint ?), have now become metro-sexual guys who stay at home and enjoy porn all day. The guys say it’s much more fun than reality TV and Facetube, because they don’t have to get emotionally involved, therefore more able to just “be themselves”. Which means it leaves them more time for beer, football and fight club.
So what of the forgotten, ignored and abandoned ladies who prefer Facetube and reality TV ? Well there’s been a lot of relationship problems due to the end of masculinism, and the ensuing men refusing to work anymore in 2020. The men have their porn and beer, but the ladies are still left wanting somewhat after a hard day bricklaying or shooting criminals. Google recognised this trend and why they’ve made available “Google Mediate” along with “Google Counselling” and “Google Talk-To-A-Friend”. We spoke to one of it’s brainchilds, Isafeminist Page (Google’s CEO), lovechild of Larry Page and Miley Cyrus. She tells us that her biggest motivation was that she believes her husband lies to her and ignores her, and that many women are subjected daily to such vile despicable behaviour from men. She also went on to say that she feels paying a gazillion dollars an hour to a shrink when Google could do it for free is absolutely scandalous.
Isafeminist, or Isa as she likes to be known, has told us exclusively – “It wasn’t terribly difficult to take Google Telepathy and Google Clairvoyancy from the iPhone and combine it with brain dumps we’d extracted from dead psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists”. Freud’s brain retrieved from cryogenic storage, surprisingly was said to entirely contain crochet and knitting patterns, and therefore wasn’t used in the system. Google says it now has evidence that all Freud’s work was done by a female chimp with a typewriter, who Freud kept in his basement.
Google’s new systems can now understand the asker’s question, counsel the asker and then optionally provide the answer. It also recognises whether the asker just wants to talk about their feelings and stay in denial OR wants closure with the answer. Isa goes on to reveal that the system helped her come to terms with her own husband’s lying and ignoring her. Isa was surprised by what she learn’t from the system’s pre-release version. She says it made her feel 100% validated and was immediately sure that she wants a divorce. She can’t disclose what was revealed to her as it would compromise Google’s trade secrets of their much coveted special sauce recipe. The recipe is believed to have originated with long deceased Steve Jobs of the former Apple company who stole it from Colonel Sanders, the KFC icon.
It’s also been revealed that the system has correctly answered the age old question of “What is the meaning of life ?” which as we all know is 42.
Google Counselling, Google Mediate and Google Talk-To-A-Friend the relationship mediation and personal problem resolution services will be available publicly (for free) later this month. Google is very pleased because in the past they’d never been able to give search results that satisfied this segment of their searchers. Having resorted to things like showing spam results, displaying never-ending adverts and displaying irrelevant results, they concluded that none of these strategies were working. Searchers were resorting to things like asking their friends, drinking heavily then having casual sex OR going to see mental health professionals. Google have always been big on DIY, hence the expression “Google it” and didn’t want to let this massive advertising revenue stream slip away. So they decided on some lateral thinking. It became obvious quite quickly – give the searchers what they were actually asking for. Who knew ? Could it be that simple ? Yes, turns out it is.
Google hopes that men will use the service. But a spokesman for “Bring Back Masculinism” BBM said a survey of their members indicated that men would probably largely ignore it, the same as they had with all the other female oriented services like Reality TV and Facetube. He went on to say that if Google were to call it “Google Women’s Mud Wrestling” or “Google Beer” they might be more successful.
THE END
TRUE ? Of course not, it’s a most unlikely future, but I had fun writing it !
(The title turned up in my Search Terms today – best writing prompt possible – answer a real question)
By Don Charisma (c) 2014
Resources & Sources
Facetube Logo – www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtzEqfC-siE (RiccardoEstateMDM)
Dumb Inscription Photo – morgueFile
Hugh Hefner / Miley Cyrus – Wikipedia
Google Classic – Google Images
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Comments are invited. BUT you are reminded that this is a public blog and you are also reminded to think before you press the “post comment” button.
Good manners are a mark of a charismatic person – so please keep comments civil, non-argumentative, constructive and related, or they will be moderated. If you feel you can’t comply, press the “unfollow” button and/or refrain from commenting.
I read ALL comments but can’t always reply. I will comment if I think there’s something that I can add to what you’ve said. I do delete without notice comments that don’t follow rules above. For persistent offenders I will ignore you permanently and/or report you.
Most decent people already know how to behave respectfully. Thank you for your co-operation on the above.
Warm regards, Don Charisma
Don Charisma 
A funny post Don. Strange this did not pop op in my reader at all. Could become a kind of future too. Google only use some of our photos and not for all of us. Someone told me, it could have to do with our own security decisions at our pc and internet.
Irene
Thanks Irene … Sometimes the reader doesn’t display, I don’t know the exact criteria, but it’s a good idea to keep tags+categories less than 15 and less than 9 if possible …
Yes, I did read that too. Sometimes my own doesn’t come the display either.
I don’t like to miss the posts, so I find it annoying, when they dont show us.
LOL, there’s also a possible censorship angle, but I don’t know what the criteria for that would be …
They don’t tell us all, do they ? 😀
And I suspect you probably won’t hear about it either, but they do indicate that posts can be removed for certain reasons … Mature content for instance …
The last I wrote was for fun, and yes I have seen, they remove for certain reasons, but I have never seen you bring in those kind of posts 🙂
Enjoy your day Don.
Yes I know, but some people are stupid, we both know that !
I try and keep it non-adult, but may be that someone had a difference of opinion …
No big deal for me .. I keep on writing genius stuff LOL
He he he, you are writing very well and your photos can’t disturb anyone 🙂
LOL, thanks Irene, sometimes I push the limits a little bit 🙂
That is also very fine Don. You are also very good to inspire, which I appreciate very much. Thanks 😀
You are welcome irene, you are friendly and helpful person to me, so always glad to do what I can 🙂
Friendship goes both ways Don, which both of us know and work for 🙂
I know hun … all good with you today ?
Yes thank you Don. All are on the right way, I hope. And you?
Pretty good, happy enough, working though a couple of difficulties but nothing major 🙂
Good to hear Don. I think, that all of us have challenges, but if we choose to take them as challenges and not as problems without solutions, our world will look better 🙂
“In the year 2525,”. The Beatles said it could happen, so………
IF the Beatles said it must be true !
HA! Quite the fun read; chuckled to myself even. Good stuff!
Thanks, I had fun writing too 😉
You know what keeps turning up in my search terms?
“Don Charisma”. I swear that this has to be you lol
LOL, been sending you more traffic Suz, you should be thanking me 🙂
Ha ha.
Oh I am but I think it is so funny that not a day goes by that someone doesn’t find my blog by putting your name in the search engine 😉
For some reason I haven’t been able to fathom, Google+ won’t put my picture on goolge. Yours has and I think people click on you for that reason … it’s no worries for me, not a competition, happy to share the traffic 🙂
I know it’s not a competition and it seriously doesn’t worry me at all.
In fact I laugh each day when I check my stats and see your name there lol
This is amazing. Great concept and thoughts, Don, and it’s well written to boot.
Thanks Christopher, it’s along the lines of improvised comedy … for fun, mostly, I wonder what google will make of it !
My ex wife used to check my computer for porn. She worked for the police department so she knew how to check for stuff that was even deleted. Bottom line, you might want to check with your wife before doing or viewing.
LOL, thankfully I’m more It literate than my girlfriend … and I had my ex-wife snopping in my emails once … guess what, the password changed on my computer and she couldn’t access anymore … I think the saying is “what the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over” , so perhaps better not to ask for “permission”.
Lol true. My current wife could care less. So I see the difference. My friends came over when I was with the ex wife and searched for porn on purpose and didn’t tell me, we were supposed to be watching football. My ex wife raised hell. I wanted to kill those guys after that.
Who needs friends like that ?
Largely I put it down to insecurity on the woman’s part. All humans look at other humans in that way, in England we call this “The pot calling the kettle black” … which means you do it too, so you’re really a bit of hypocrite for calling me out on it …
Glad to hear you’ve found a woman who’s stronger and more fun 🙂
Yea, funny thing is my ex wife and I are good friends, better than when we were married. My current wife will sometimes say hey keys watch one together. As for my friends I get it, it was their comical way of saying hey you shouldn’t be there.
Sounds like all worked out well in the end, so you’re a happy man now then ?
Big time
Then that’s all that matters … the bad stuff from the past, something to tell the grandkids 🙂
Well some of it anyway… Lol
Yup, I wasn’t saying verbatim … obviously spin, edit and otherwise gloss it over so they are enjoyable !
Lol
ROFLMBO…….Men would be in huge trouble and would most likely get frequent doghouse duties.
🙂 🙂
Aren’t we always anyway … and doghouse, occasionally I’m not in it, but I thought that was my home !
ROFLMBO, new one on me … what it means ?
rolling on the floor laughing my bum off. LOL and that means laugh out loud 🙂
LOL yes I know that one … not used the ROTFLMBO, usally it’s PMSL !
PMSL??
Pissing my self laughing
lol….I like that one….it will be added to my internet speak dictionary. Thanks.
Sure there’s many more, I just tend to use the commonest ones 🙂
my dictionary awaits!
Wow, didn’t realise how far behind I was on my comments ! Been working on something …
And don’t worry my internet acronym vocabulary quite small, so you may not need to use it much 🙂
🙂
That could actually be a scary vision of the internet future!
LOL A scary thought indeed ! But probably not, just me amusing myself with some creative writing 🙂 Cheers DC
🙂