You toiled for hours, days, weeks to make that prefect creation, create that perfect storm, that special something that’s just spot on and MUST be acclaimed widely … Matt Mullenweg told you you’re gonna be a star … a shiny new blog super hero …
In fact you’re so convinced your new creation will be a viral hit to make celebrity gossip posts look like what they truly really are …
And then BOOM … nothing … nada … 2 solitary pageviews, and you’re fairly sure both of those were you checking to see why the flood of visitors hadn’t arrived, yet … although you can’t be certain someone from Azerbaijan didn’t pop in on the quiet …
SO WHAT HAPPENED ? WHAT WENT WRONG ?
Naivety ? Maybe …
It’s a rigged game, the house wins ? Quite possibly …
Matt lied to me ? Not possible, Matt only speaks the truth, everyone knows this …
Other people don’t have the same tastes or interests as me ? Hmmm, tricky one, yes and no, but mostly NO though, the world is full of weirdos like you (and me) …
You’ve read all the tips blogs, and you even sold out on your title to a Google friendly “5 Surefire Ways To Write Google Friendly Spam” ?
BUT DID YOU ?
Have a happy ending, and a dangerous love tryst ? – “Boy meets girl, girl cheats on boy with passing alpha boy, boy finds out, boy cries, alpha boy cheats on girl, boy hits alpha boy, boy and girl live happily ever after … the end”
Write in bite size chunks so even short attention spammers could read or at least look at the pictures ? – “WTF – LOL In 5 GR8 Ways” or “The Pics Linsey Lohan Din’t Want You To See”
Weave in a collectively held superstition or two ? – “Don’t Play With It, You’ll Go Blind” or “The Secret – Serendipity Serendipitously”
Teach someone something, even if it was something they already knew ? – “How To Brush Your Teeth Like A Pro” or “How To Put On Your Sneakers Like A Demi-God”
Give away free money ? – “Make Millions Trading Koala Bears – A River Of Free Money, Only 1 Hour Per Week”
Appeal to a niche, in giving them “the answer” or “the secret” with absolutely no effort on their part ? – “15 Cheat Codes For Minecraft That’ll Make You A Minecraft Rockstar” or “10 Lines To Get ANY Girl” or “How I Made Millions Doing A Blog”
Fight for a cause ? – “The Campaign To Ban Banning Campaigns” or “How Fracking Is A Fracking Big Problem”
Include a dancing or dressed up pet ? – “Milo The One Legged Dancing Pig Plays Accordion”
Entertain, without writing down a single fact or truth ? – “Woman Stabs Man With Sharpened Selfie Stick” or “Apple’s New Slutty Siri Update”
OR AT THE VERY LEAST …
For the boys, being more visually sensed … naked ladies … like this :
And for the girls, being less visually sensed (or so I’m told) … some naked ladies to get offended by for unfathomable reasons … and/or some gossip to get offended by, or at least emotionally engaged or entangled with somehow …
AND IF THAT DIDN’T WORK …
Stick to what you’re good at, going viral may not be for you …
Cheers
Don Charisma
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Comments
Comments are often welcomed, provided you can string a legible, relevant and polite sentence together. In other cases probably best shared with your therapist, or kept to yourself.
Don Charisma 
I think one of the reasons the name of the phenomenon is ‘viral’ (aside from the fact that it spreads contagiously) is that it happens randomly. (Few people catch a virus intentionally.) So good luck with the formula thing! Yours is as good a try as any…especially the photo for the boys:)
Thanks, and yes, you can’t force random, so perhaps I’ll give up trying, might work better !
Yes, this I always asked myself… I will try to apply the tips for the perfect viral post! (and blog!)
LOL … good luck with that, when you find the formula do let me know what it is ! … I think almost every writer’s asked themselves this question
Thanks for all of the great advice above! 🙂 I enjoyed reading your article.
You’re welcome … some humour for the day …
My best advise: Write for yourself. If you enjoy what you’re writing the chances that your readers will enjoy it too greatly increases.
Personally I couldn’t care less whether one of my posts goes viral. I enjoy what I do and so do those who follow me (or they wouldn’t be following me :D).
Don’t write for the masses since it’s a well known fact that you can’t please all of the people all of the time.
I have gotten some of my largest responses when I wrote about my take on a quote or meme that moved me.
Often, that’s exactly what I do do … but never hurts to learn 🙂
Great post, Don. But it begs the question – did the bikini clad lady picture make it go viral?
LOL, thanks … well, I suspect she was wearing too many clothes for a viral post … some people got no imagination !
Good advice, Don, good advice.
Leslie
Gracias 🙂
De nada.
Leslie
Hilarious and I guarantee you this Don…..this is one surefire post that’s bound to go viral! Just keep your eyes glued….watch this space! 😂😂😂
With going viral….you just never know! Does anyone plan ahead to make that big break though? Must be a total downer when that plan goes south…the horror! 😆😆😆
Thanks for sharing Don, that going viral aint for everyone……yikes! 😈😅
LOL … I’d be surprised if it does … but who knows, never say never !
and thanks, at least I’m keeping some people entertained, whilst entertaining myself …
what a funny post, thanks for sharing 🙂
You’re welcome, some light refreshment for a Monday …
Loved this!
Thanks 🙂
Hey Don, were you counting on making a living from this blog? If not maybe you wanted your ego pumped up by adoring fans? Hmm. Are happy iin spite of it all? I hope so.
In a perfect world I would be able to fix my typos in a WordPress comment! AND you would be a viral sensation! LOL
In a perfect world WordPress would fix your typos automagically, we’d both be viral sensations … and I’d have a team of playboy bunnies dropping grapes into my mouth …
But that’s life … onwards and upwards … at least we have our sense of humours, that’s all that really counts …
LOL, if you call trying to make a living, “ego pumped”, then yes, no, dunno, maybe … as for the urban legend of the wealthy blogger, well I made $4.09 on WordAds last month, only a $99,995.91 to make so that I can retire, so I’ll still be doing the blog in two thousand and thirty seven years time !
AS for happiness, that’s a state of mind … Am I happy in spite of it all ? … Gotta be, what’s the point in being miserable, it’s only me that’s suffering, no ?
I wondered if one could make a living from Blog ads. Now you’ve answered my question. I admit I don’t have many readers on my own blogs and I do get a fleeting euphoric rise in happiness when I get a comment or a like.
I’m not, at the moment … perhaps I will later …
For me that’s one of the good things about blogging, and social groups that accept us, and we’re part of it … would probably use “love” in place of “ego” though, after all it’s what makes the world go round ?
You are so right Don.. sorry about that.. I can be a little negative at times.
Don’t sweat it Lorraine 🙂 … it’s a positive thing for an artist to be happy that their sharing of their work and themselves causes other’s enjoyment … and by artist I mean anyone who’s putting themselves out there, not just great painters or musicians … people like you and me !
$4.09 on WordAds last month? Wow – I can’t wait to sign up!
Well possible you’re getting more traffic than me, in which case it might be enough for a pizza !
Nah, everyone gets more traffic than me, and I’m OK with that.
🙂
Cute……and insightful. 🙂
Do my best …
😊
Well done, Don.
Thanks Sharon 😛
You deserve to go viral – in all the best ways.
LOL, thanks Sharron, fingers crossed then 🙂