I’m not talking about genuine victims, people who’ve been hurt or abused by cruel people. Or people who’ve had an accident, in a car for instance or in ill in hospital. There’s a validity in that, these people genuinely suffered.
What I’m talking about is those who are constantly complaining about how unfair life is, how X has it better than they do. And more than that wasting my time and energy with their complaints. What can I do ? and actually what do I care ?
Poor Pathetic Little Me
I’m getting very bored of hearing these pathetic arguments from people. I had a lot of unfair things happen to me in my life, I see a lot of things now that I could compare myself with others and say they have it better than me. But I choose not to, I don’t really care. Why ? It doesn’t make me happy. I’m actually causing myself to suffer by feeling beneath other people or feeling unfairly treated by them, self-pity and so on. It’s a bit negative-narcissistic isn’t it ?
For instance I could say :
- It’s not fair that some people have more money than me.
- It’s not fair that some people are taller than me.
- It’s not fair that some people are better looking than me.
- It’s not fair that some people have better jobs or better prospects than me.
- It’s not fair that some people A, B, C, D … X, Y, X than me.
F*** it, I really don’t care about the above. It doesn’t make me happy to care, either, so I choose not to. PERSPECTIVE AND PERCEPTION.
I am really really am sick and tired of hearing people complaining and moaning about this or that that isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair, that’s just how it is, for almost every human being on the planet.
There are plenty of people who are worse off than me too. Is it fair I see a man begging in the street here with NO ARMS AND NO LEGS. Of course it’s not fair. That’s life, sad for the poor man agreed, but still that’s life. Harsh reality to coin a fellow blogger’s catch phrase.
The problem exists in the mind – is in the comparison, and secondly in the self-pity that’s involved in thinking I’m lower (or worse off) than someone else because I don’t have the advantages they do. I’m literally giving my own power away, handing it to someone else and suffering in the process. How insane is that ? AND It’s also often manipulative.
You’re Not A Victim
A feminist friend of mine once said to me – “You’re not a victim Don”. That changed my whole perspective – I’m not a victim, or at least I have the choice not to perceive myself as one. The solution in my perception of myself, to choose not to see myself as a victim.
Another friend here on WordPress said to me “I’ve stopped EXPECTING people to behave virtuously”. Took me a while to comprehend and take in what she mean’t. It’s another way I stop myself falling into the trap of perceiving myself as a victim. If I don’t expect people to behave well, then they can’t disappoint me, essentially. Again it’s taking power back to myself, and taking responsibility for my own feelings – ie not blaming other people because I’ve decided to feel bad. Insane again …
So, grow a pair, really … Get over yourself … Take responsibility for your own feelings, I’m not your nursemaid or the person who puts your toys back in your cot for you …
“BUT IT’S SO UNFAIR DON, SARAH GOT A PONY FOR HER BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN’T” … GET OVER YOURSELF, ARE YOU A MAN (OR A WOMAN) OR A CHILD ?
Over to you guys 🙂
PS (Max Clifford is my celeb name for this post … for fun you may think up a tenuous connection if you like, please keep it clean and respectful, otherwise I may not be able to post)
Resources & Sources
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Notes for commenters:
Comments are invited. BUT you are reminded that this is a public blog and you are also reminded to think before you press the “post comment” button.
Good manners are a mark of a charismatic person – so please keep comments civil, non-argumentative, constructive and related, or they will be moderated. If you feel you can’t comply, press the “unfollow” button and/or refrain from commenting.
I read ALL comments but can’t always reply. I will comment if I think there’s something that I can add to what you’ve said. I do delete without notice comments that don’t follow rules above. For persistent offenders I will ignore you permanently and/or report you.
Most decent people already know how to behave respectfully. Thank you for your co-operation on the above.
Warm regards, Don Charisma
90 thoughts on ““Poor Little Victim” – Don Charisma’s Opinion”
Its so unfair to complain and whine over petty things.Makes me uncomfortable. Thanks for hitting the nail……
You’re welcome 🙂
We’ve got nothing witty to add on our end, but we agree with everything you’ve said. Everyone needs to vent though, granted that they don’t do it all of the time; the key thing is to learn to let it go . . . Or learn to channel all of that negative energy into something good . . . Perhaps by making a soufflé?
Plenty of things one can do the alchemy of negativity to positivity on … Blog about it ?
I don’t like this type of people because if I compare them with other people I know that they haven’t real problems. Then I see people who have a real problems and they try to do the best they can. I really appreciate it and when problems come I get stronger.
It’s tied into the idea of entitlement. I should have this or that or the other thing, and if I don’t get it, well, then I’m just going to have some form of tantrum. It is such a pain to listen to. There are many people who work really hard and have real streaks of bad luck, and they keep going and do the best they can. And then we have the spoiled whiners. I have no patience for it all. Your post really nails it!
Thanks Deborah, very much added to my understanding and yes certainly entitlement I’d dovetail into any further writing, very smart lady !
As a woman, I can’t “grow a pair”, and quite frankly, I don’t want to. I’d have to put myself in a whole new gender category. My saying is, I need to grab hold of my ovaries. I view this perception of victimhood as the newest manifestation of the competitive nature of mankind, only no one grows from it. We each go lower and lower with each soppy, sorry detail. Everyone does their best to relate the most pathetic, most convincing sob story. It’s exhausting. I want tales of triumph. That’s what we need to hear.
Well said … and you’ll have to translate my guy speak into womanspeak however you like … the point is grow up really (“grow a pair”), men and women who are/have, don’t cry so much over petty stuff, they’ve got bigger fish to fry 🙂
Nice way to highlight the value or lack of value and waste of time for anyone feeling sorry for themselves. The responsibility for bloggers or journalist or media across any communication channel must be honest and urgent or we must put a few of the worst case scenarios in the headline to help us and others recognize the situation has serious implications if we do nothing.
Here’s my point, if I ever share something negative it’s putting people at risk. Not a few, its got the probability of hurting many. If I blog or point out issues the challenge has no methods in place to respond and is unlikely to be recognized or corrected without people who have the capacity and influence to take the issue seriously.
Finally, if I ever write or share a serious issue “it may appear to be a pity party”. In my case, I’m only sharing when I’ve come close enough to share the solution to quickly move into damage control. Plus, it’s not a poor me situation if I’m doing these things without any pay and without any need for recognition.
In my mind, a person complaining without having a solution or looking for financial gains has to rethink their approach.
Or do you include anyone who may share difficult topics?
Thanks … I think difficult topics should certainly be talked about, but their are ways to think and talk about things that are talking responsibility for oneself … merely saying “it’s not fair that Jason has a nintendo, I should have one because I’m just as special” isn’t helping anyone … perhaps “I’m a little envious that Jason has a nintendo and I don’t … Therefore I will start saving my pocket money until I too have enough money to buy one … OR … I don’t really mind, I’m happy without a nintendo” …
I posted about not being able to publish Toshiba service manuals, and quoted a little from Tim’s website. Tim had been threatened with a lawsuit by Toshiba, but he wasn’t cry baby about it. He simply stated the facts, “Toshiba have threatened me with a lawsuit”, “I have therefore had to remove the manual” … Not “Those assholes at Toshiba, it’s so unfair, they’ve forced me to remove the manuals” …
Makes sense … or did I mis-understand ?
No, I’m with you 100%. Definitely, material things are not my idea of wealth. I am unique. I know people who think about what they don’t have compared to others. I’m with you on the subject in the context of wanting what you have yet to earn or have not prioritized. Don’t envy others. If you want it, work for it.
Yes, both examples make sense. Funny, Google was able to copy all those books and no one cared? I get this…I’m simply being sarcastic.
I will add, the fact people need to be far more resilient and aware of their capabilities. Never Give Up. We must learn and live by a desire to never give up.
People must always take responsibility first, then do something about changing the situation by offering and supporting correcting the issue.
Finally, shake it off and go in another direction. If you are stuck, unable to change or be part of the solution. Then you have to accept; it is, what it is, and move on.
Glad we are on the same page. I think we understand the same thing and appreciate you taking the time to acknowledge tough issues need to be discussed. As long as we agree, someone feeling sorry for themselves isn’t a tough issue, its their issue. 🙂
Pretty much on the same page. Only caveat is that it’s not a world of ideals, so people will continue to feel sorry for themselves, and sometimes it’s compassionate to “cheer them up”. The problem is when it’s a long term thing, or they build an identity out of it.
Largely these are problems beyond my capacity, so I leave to professionals to work on – psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists signed up for that job !
True, I’m just not known to be made out of sugar and spice. If I made it with all my life experiences. Well, I didn’t make it feeling sorry for myself.
I can appreciate a compliment in a difficult time. Yes, of course compassion is a given. Knowing when someone is not helping themselves is what we were focused on in the conversation. 🙂
Agreed, and further when they are not helping themselves and leeching off us …
In my opinion, we were on the people who stretch compassion.
Since you’ve made it clear we’re not talking about real social injustices, I’d have to say it depends on the situation for me…some people whine over everything, but I’ve seen it sometimes where someone going through a rough patch who’s been holding it together too long finally breaks down over something seemingly minor. And a casual observer might think they’re being silly but really it’s the last straw.
What bugs me though is some people who seem to have to turn other’s hard time about themselves instead of offering support, like if one person has twisted their ankle, the second will have to tell you how they broke their whole leg once just to show they’ve had it worse…
As for Max Clifford, I had to google him, and if he really assaulted those girls, I’d say he’s a victimizer rather than a victim.
Jenny you are a wise lady, and yes agreed it could be “the straw that broke the camel’s back”, at least that’s how I learn’t it in the UK … or “the last straw” … burden after burden placed on a person and then they finally break …
Oh and love your “I’m a bigger victim than you” scenario … one up-man(or woman)-ship for victims … nicely said, have seen this one myself too 🙂
Thanks for Max Clifford, I didn’t know about him assaulting anyone, didn’t mean to offend anyone (or him being a victim) … but thanks for the connection, good one !
Well I googled the name and that’s what came up, some UK publicist…unless you meant a different person by that name? Either way, I’d be more offended by those types of actions than you simply mentioning him.
Ah yes Max Clifford is a UK publicist … and I don’t follow the news, so your updates ARE THE NEWS for me 🙂
Any personal “unfairness” just makes me want to be better, try harder, do more. I understand wanting to — ok, going ahead and EATING — a pint of Haagen Dazs after a hard day, but it’s sad that many people wallow so comfortably for so long in that state.
Awesome, so use the unfairness to inspire drive and Charisma … I should have thought of that one really, doh !
I’m not sure if this happens in other countries a lot but in America it runs rampant. We are becoming a society that continues to give out trophies for just participating. That needs to end. We need to stop telling our children they are special little snowflakes. They aren’t.
The people I see complaining the most about life are the ones that are doing absolutely nothing to make their life better or constantly put themselves out there making bad decision after bad decision and never learning from their mistakes. They expect the world to cater to them and when it doesn’t they go on a tirade with how “bad” they have it.
There are a few national groups who do this more than any other and even if you present facts to their face about how bad other people have it they just plug their ears and ignore you.
Cody that’s extremely well said, and although I’m not in the USA, it’s great to hear that coming from an American … men and women do need to tough up to a certain extent, it’s one of the charismatic person’s traits …
This post encourages personal responsibility and happiness, both. Like it, Don. In our family, whining and complaining is not allowed. Really! If something is troubling, or difficult, or hurtful, or perceived as negative, we need to own it, describe it, ask for help, and take action. Life is difficult, true, but whining and complaining are bad habits that needlessly add to the difficulty.
Totally, totally, totally … I always try to say this when loved one has a problem, “tell me what the problem is” rather than complaining or blaming …
Exactly. To identify and attempt to solve a challenge in no way denies the emotions involved. It’s just that swimming in painful emotion with no shore in sight leads to discouragement and despair. Don, when you ask a loved one to “tell me the problem”, then both can look at the problem and see if it is true, and if so, see it’s size. If the problem is real and has size, it is as if you are throwing your loved one a life preserver to help them out of their hurt.
Angie, you’re a smart charismatic lady, your family is very lucky to have you 🙂
Coming from you, Don Charisma, that means a lot! I can’t wait to tell my family that I’m *officially* a smart charismatic lady ❤
LOL … ok, well I hope they are impressed … I’m not doing a badge though !
LOL…your badge is hidden in my heart 🙂
Very sweet 🙂
I.E., isn’t it fair I have no more hair follicles on my bowling-ball head? 😀 😀 Should I tease you for this?
And above all, will my potential annoying you for this, solve my hair issue? 😀 😀 c’mon people, Don is utterly right!
Greetings from a alcoholic Italy 😛
Thanks Niko, and exactly, it isn’t fair … do you care ? Not much, life’s too short, right ? Cheers Don
🙂 yes, it really is, so we MUST enjoy and be good every single moment of our lives.
Great great Don, have a nice day
Pretty much, ups and downs, but that’s life take the rough with the smooth …
Okay, somehow your blog was unfollowed (?!) SORRY! I hope you’re okay 😀 *hugs 🙂
Don’t worry about it, I don’t keep scores with my friends … blame it on wordpress that seems to be the norm 😀
LOL 🙂 Such a fine gentlemen you are 😀
No worries at all, I really don’t keep scores 😀
;D I try not to either
Yeah! I understand that we need to let it out sometimes but people who goes on and on for no valid reason… Is a matter of perspective: there is the world and the way that we see it, we can change our attitude towards what is happening and take control as much as it is possible. Good one.
Exactly, and good point, none of us is perfect, I still have a moan from time to time, I think the main thing is to have realised and be aware that one has the choice not to suffer … awareness is a very powerful thing 🙂
hear hear 🙂
It is the inaction that bothers me. If people aren’t happy, it is time to work on the things that got them there.
Very much agreed Leslie, waiting for or trying to manipulate someone else into fixing, isn’t going to work !
Agreed. I hear so many people complaining about their lives and how unhappy they are and then how unfair it is that they’re unhappy. Well get off your butt and figure out what makes you happy and get to it! That’s coming from someone who suffers from depression…
I guess that is one of the problems with depression. It knocks the stuffing out of you and you aren’t able to get it together to do something about it.
For sure … depression is a toughy, probably beyond the scope of this thread … maybe later …
It does sometimes but you just have to keep on going. I have my nights where I just stay up all night long questioning everything. I get up the next morning and realize that there’s so much more to life than what I was thinking that night before.
Love the pic and article!
Victim Mentality has always been one of my top pet peeves, You addressed it well! A question for you if I may…You use the term Feminist fairly frequently. Can you tell me your definition for that term? No judgement, just curious.
Thanks, and glad you thought I addressed it well.
Wondering what you mean by “fairly frequently” ? My posts and pages are maybe 750 over 10 months and I’ve only used it in 2 that I can immediately recall, which in my mind would equate to “fairly infrequently”.
Sorry, I just started following you recently. Guess it just stood out to me i the two posts because I’m not really familiar with it. At least not being used currently. Again, just curious. This is the great thing I’m learning about the world of Blog – so many folks from different towns, states, countries, cultures – as someone who will likely never get to travel abroad, this is really expanding my horizons.
No problem, and thanks for explaining 🙂
In this context my friend actually describes herself as a “feminist”, so simply communicating her description of herself.
As for what it means to me personally – Since it became a political movement (before I was born), that’s what it means to me. The previous (original ?) meaning to do with “femininity”, of “being female” I would use words like girl, woman, lady, female, feminine, femininity etc to avoid ambiguity.
And yes blogging community great many lovely, interesting and creative people here 🙂
Very well said. I’m currently dealing with a friend (and I do honestly consider them a friend) that’s going through a “pity me” episode that I just had to finally walk away from before I said something truly horrible in return. I especially agree with your opinion on it being a manipulative tactic. I have dealt with many passive-aggressive bullies in my life, and they all used the victim card and guilt to try and make you say and do as they pleased.
Which is a real shame because then it makes the rest of us wary about others who do have legitimate problems and complaints. As in “do they really mean that, or are they just exaggerating?” It’s a horrible cycle. It really is amazing just how much a change in perception can change how you handle life in general.
For sure, those couple of things said to me drastically changed my perspective …
And yes I can spot passive-aggressive manipulators a mile off these days … sometimes I walk away, sometimes if it’s worth the effort I might call them out on it, but generally it’s not worth it, as often they’ve developed a whole system of living based around it and one may find oneself attacked by their friends who haven’t realised yet … if in doubt walk away …
I enjoyed your post because constant complainers really frustrate me too. Have you found a good way to handle complainers? With my very oldest, I ignore the complaints (he complains the most). With my youngest, I try to first tell him that “life isn’t fair”– the phrase I learned well. Then I start to ignore him. Do you think ignoring a complainer is the answer? I think sometimes it is the way we know how to communicate frustration. What are your thoughts about that? (if you feel like commenting. If not, I won’t complain.)
LOL, for sure, I just said another commenter – sometimes I’d walk away, sometimes call the person out … problem is that passive-aggressive manipulators have sophisticated mechanisms and may defend themselves against being called out by attacking you, or in worst case drawing others in to attack you … so if in doubt walk away, ie ignore …
And totally none of us are perfect, sometimes I moan about stuff on my blog, but usually try and do it with a silver lining or a positive resolution or something I learnt … THE MAIN THING is awareness, and realising that one has the choice of how one perceives something, my two friends with their simple wisdom are two ways to help from falling into the victim trap …
Loves reading this.
Very well said Don.
Unfortunately there are so many people who don’t take responsibility over their own life. It is more easy to complain than do something to change the view at their lives.
Shouldn’t you have a day off? Relax and enjoy 😉
LOL thanks hun, and yes totally … managed a half day off, good sleep, pretty well rested today 🙂
Nice to hear, that you got your rest. Important for your soul 🙂
A little, rest sometimes stirs up things I’ve been putting off, but it’s all good !
Nice to hear Don 🙂
I can’t stand people who whine and complain about crap that there is an obvious solution for – yet they choose not to take it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because they want a reason to whine and complain – being a victim, I guess to some, gets the attention. I know all too many people who have this “huge issues” and are usually directly due to their own action – or inaction. I feel I am a compassionate person, but not towards those self-created miserable people. I loathe them. See, I am whining and complaining myself – it does feel good. 😉
Well said !
Great words of advice!
It’s not fair that you have a better looking avatar than me. I would draw a mustache on it, but it already has one. 😉
Is drawing mustaches on posters just an American thing?
LOL, we do it in England too, so no … we usually add glasses and colour the teeth black too …
IT’S SO UNFAIR YOU HAVE A BETTER AVATAR THAN ME … awesome, love it ! … petty, petty, petty 🙂
Thanks for the laugh, you two 🙂
You’re welcome Angie, humour, it’s on my about page, although sometimes I forget and glad every time another blogger reminds me 🙂
Humor is such a gift! When I receive it, I say “thank you very much.” 🙂
simply, I concur.
Well said. Thank you.
You’re welcome 🙂
I agree 🙂
Good man 🙂