This is cutting edge improvisational blogging.
We call it – “Whose Blog is it anyway ?”
We have written this for FUN, not serious, to amuse ourselves and our readers, and help promote our blogs. So please read with that in mind.
Me And Belinda
Belinda first came to my attention whilst I was guest blogging on Harsh Reality blog a couple of months ago.
She writes delightfully, almost hypnotically in a very relaxing and pleasing way, it’s very absorbing reading. Her favourite style is poetry. So she’s stepped outside her comfort zone to produce this masterful piece of improvised writing.
She’s also a lovely lady, very friendly and personable 🙂
You can find Belinda at Idiot Writing blog.
Please do enjoy Belinda’s guest improviser submission.
‘Girlfriend’ – ‘THE’ instruction manual, for men
These instructions are divided into three sections:
2) Upkeep/maintenance and repair
When making the decision that a girlfriend is an essential requirement for your daily affairs, to maintain that certain upkeep of appearance and creating the functionality and flow of your day to day life, it is advisable to shop around for a while.
1) Make a list:
Preferred brand and model is crucial to consider – however one would initially need to assess more important factors such as:
- General condition of her bodyworks
- Clothing – are the threads worn and in need of replacement, or has her previous owner issued her with a full new set? (think tyres)
- Accessories – determine what is essential and what would just be a bonus. Does she have special talents that suit your purpose i.e. – perhaps she is a poet and you a musician; is she a gymnast? (Does she have power steering?)
- What do her parts cost? She may seem like the dream girl and purr like a kitten – but can you afford her up-keep when it comes time to replacing her fan-belt or overhauling her engine?
- Mileage – always check the mileage – it is an inside look at factors such as reliability (Is she in pretty good form for the large amount of mileage – vs – small amount of mileage with quite a few bruises and a rattling engine?) – remember the aspect of mileage is a variable depending on make and model, and reflects on quality.
- Depreciation – will she decrease in value rapidly or hold a stable market value in comparison to other models?
- The initial cost and outlay – will she be a sensible and viable choice when considering the above factors? Is she worth it?
2) Do your research thoroughly:
- Use your instincts after doing some focused research online, to quantify the market availability of your preferences – always in direct relation to what you can afford – don’t leave yourself out of pocket. Be expedient.
Upkeep and maintenance:
1) Minimum requirement:
- Keep her clean; well fed (chocolates = oil) and filled with essential fluids(girlfriends rust when exposed to water – so substitute water for wine to keep her radiator from overheating) –Park her in some shady/sunny spot depending on the season; prop her hood up and check she is full up on essentials.
- So long as these are implemented you will be able to hop in and take her for a spin along windy roads, pretty much any time you choose. She may begin to rattle every now and then – in which case – simply top up on the chocolate to keep her well lubricated and ease the friction on her parts…sometimes it just buys you time till you can get around to doing the little extras that show that special attention
2) If you wish to pay ‘special attention’ you may consider the following:
- A good polish to make her shine will do well. This could include a new fresh smelling body lotion; a trip to the hairdresser (panel beater, boys) and a new set of clothes – which could be getting pretty worn down by now.(and of course safety on your journey is a priority, so bare this in mind when considering replacing this important feature)
- If you can afford the outlay go for the best quality in the top notch range – however it is also unwise and a bit freakish to fit top of the line tyres on a beat up old VW right? – Use this analogy my friends – If the old clothes are very worn you may want to look at some second hand retail stores to do your shopping at. This will be affordable and still keep your gal gliding with style and your sanity intact as you now know you are safe to move along without the worries of a losing traction and heading for a collision.
- A frequently forgotten aspect of upkeep is shoes. You see shoes do not fall into the same category as clothing – they are a special feature all of their own.
In simpler terms: Brake pads – though they are seemingly unseen and do their job studiously without much thought put to them- they do on the odd occasion play up and begin to squeak – mostly on wet surfaces and hence it can become considerably annoying listening to the constant whining – NOT to mention the crucial aspect of your safety again. Replace at your own risk – I deem an expert on such things to be the wiser option.
- A full service every six months is a good idea to keep her functioning at optimum performance levels: You have a few options here –
a) If you are qualified and experienced you may go ahead as follows:
- Consider all the tools you will need and purchase such
- Take time to assess problem areas that need attention and make arrangements on how best to attend to these.
- Set aside a good portion of time – you are about to get messy and downright dirty under there. You may consider wearing the appropriate gear for the inevitable oil spills – It would possibly be easier to wear nothing but I recommend starting off with at least something to cover yourself – if it gets a little hot, removing portions of clothing is acceptable.
- Find a comfortable spot where she will not slide around too much (you could use bricks behind the back wheels if it is a hilly spot – ropes are a possibility)
- Proceed carefully and whatever you do – DO NOT RUSH. You may miss vital clues or drop needed tools in un-reachable places. DON’T FORGET TO REMOVE JEWELLERY LIKE WATCHES ETC.
- Approach each area in need of service one step at a time – keep focused on the job at hand.
Take frequent small breaks to replenish your energy and if it is hot – you may want to splash a drop of water over her – just to cool down the body works so they do not burn you. Feel free to cool yourself down in the same manner (but remove shirt first please.)
- Finish up and put away your tools after giving them a good clean.
- Throw away the bits of tissue used to wipe up all those spills so the dog does not chew them up and spread them around the yard.
- To complete the job – clean her up (bubble water is a good cleanser) – rub some polish on gently but thoroughly and you will be good to take her for another hundred miles, purring along the highway around those bends at FULL speed. But still – go gently – a good aware driver who changes gears carefully and uses the right gears for the right conditions will be doing a great service to the longevity and condition of his girlfriend.
b) Book her in:
- The experts always know how to handle these things better.
- You will have more time to sit back and watch TV; or go on that fishing trip for the weekend.
- Choose your service centre well though – make sure they provide ALL requirements for your model.
- It is a service that costs a lot, so you may want to muster up the stamina to give it your best shot – consult the user manual (which is found at every beauty salon in town) or go look for information online about her specific manufacturer – and consult with them.
- Do some market research on the going rate for your current model, to ensure you will find the best price from the new owner who will continue to take care of her as you have done…hence consider the above points of acquisition; up-keep and maintenance to be paramount in acquiring a good trading-in price.
- The least amount of preparation you should do is to clean her up and give her the essentials i.e. – chocolate and wine.
- If you can manage – a full service is preferred and will get you the highest going rate for the model you have. (Don’t forget to polish her up with some new perfume and a fashionable new hairstyle)
- It is essential that you take your time and look around in order to be sure you will come out with a profit. This will enable you to afford the newer model that you have had your eye on – or you may as well cut your losses and just do a complete engine overhaul.
- Don’t waste too much time though, because the market is in a bad way and there are not many good reliable models left, for a good retail price – that also come with the accessories you may wish for now.
Depreciation over time could result in being out of pocket by the time you take the plunge and then you will be back at square one with the same problems re-occurring, and the same bumpy ride. No, we want to move forward to those sturdy and smooth road gripping chassis and top of the line shock absorbers.
- Be honest, but you will also need to be a little ruthless
- As with making any decision reduce the amount of emotion involved – but most importantly you will need to rely a little on your gut instinct again – particularly when it comes to the final time of communicating your decision in a well-executed and planned delivery, to the prospective buyer and also of course when saying your farewells to your lady and the trusty service she provided.
- Calmness and confidence will be your best asset…not only in making the sale but in acquiring your new dream model.
You may want to shed a tear as the handover takes place to express your appreciation and attachment to her (hell the buyer may even feel a little empathy and give you a bit extra on the down payment – it will also assure him that she is indeed going to be well missed, and he will understand he is getting a good deal)
- Now you can go ahead and repeat the above steps. Remember to go through the same procedures – but now this time, you can raise your standards and look forward to climbing into (if you have planned ahead and done your business well) that brand new shiny Jaguar.
There is also the option of building your own model from scratch – but you would still need to make sure you have all the working parts lined up – and by GOD you will need to know what you are doing then. It is a separate set of instructions for this procedure though.
Qualifications or access to such would include:
Master Chef and Nutritionist; Personal trainer; Plastic surgeon; Fashion Designer or Personal Make over specialist like ‘Gok Wan’; 24 Hour access to Hairstylist (for those hair crisis days); Personal Masseuse; Beautician and general cosmetics expert; and last but not least – 24 hour access to a therapist. For you.
Generalisations and stigmatisations that may come through in the above writing are purely coincidental and should be taken in light of the nature of the topic and CHALLENGE and ethos of humour it is written under. Thank you.
I think the next write up should be THE ultimate guide to BEING a girlfriend 😉
BY Belinda, blogger extraordinaire at the Idiot Writing blog.
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I do read ALL comments. I can’t always reply to every comment. I will comment if I think there’s something that I can add to what you’ve said.
Warm regards, Don Charisma