This is cutting edge improvisational blogging. We call it –
“Whose Blog is it Anyway ?” 2 – The Unanswerables
We have written this for FUN, not serious, to amuse ourselves and our readers, and help promote our blogs. Please read with that in mind.
Commenters – Please DO NOT post outbound links whilst the event is going on AND please DO NOT post comments if you are a moron.
Whose Blog is it Anyway? 2 – The Unanswerables
Why “The Unanswerables” ? Because the titles assigned to my guest improvisers don’t have an exact scientific answer or they are just zany and off the wall.
Do not expect fact here. Do not expect the truth here. This is creative writing for FUN, HUMOUR and for those with a SENSE OF HUMOUR. It’s cutting edge IMPROVISED blogging, not science weekly or the historian’s gazette.
The guest improvisers were assigned titles by me, and are therefore NOT necessarily experts or even actually FOR the topic they are writing about. They all did however “YES, AND” the challenge which is the spirit of improvisation and what we’re doing here.
We’re not interested in your critical appraisal, it simply isn’t required. It is in fact IRRELEVANT to the context of improvised, for fun creative writing. Stop taking yourselves so seriously.
So without further ado …
Her Eminence – The Phenomenal IdiotWriter From IdiotWriting
Belinda is a poet by heart. She calls herself the “IdiotWriter”, very humble, but it’s completely the opposite to reality, she is a writer but no idiot, well not that much 🙂
We first “met” whilst we were both guest blogging for Harsh Reality blog.
Her poetry and writing in my opinion is first class. For her poetry I often find it hard to comment, especially when I’ve finished digesting what is a satisfying meal prepared by the lady wordsmith. So often I just like her poems, if that makes sense, a comment doesn’t seem to do it justice.
She surpassed all my expectations in the last challenge with her wonderful submission “Girlfriend, THE Instruction Manual”. And I’m no less impressed this time, at what’s not an easy title to do just to 🙂
You can find Belinda at the IdiotWriting blog.
Please give a warm welcome to Belinda.
Why does my husband? – look at other women, blame me for everything, fart so much, ignore me, lie to me, treat me so bad, not love me, cheat and wear women’s panties
Switching from watching Sherlock Holmes to writing an impro should be fun –
Why? Why do I have to write about this?? LOL!
MY husband? My husband is not a husband and therefore I cannot discuss my husband because he is legally not my husband – so I will have to discuss your husband and why he has acquired all these traits of a ‘not so high functioning sociopath’ 😀
Looking at other woman is a common disposition of the male species. One may consider that if he is not looking at other woman he is not interested in YOU. He is probably more interested in looking at rocks and stars, which is also lovely, in particular if it is WITH you – but if he is casting his eye around it is an obvious assumption to make that he is still alive.
Either that, or he is particularly interested in the fashionable new blouse a lady is wearing and is contemplating where she bought it from so he can buy it for you. You may wish to address this tendency with – ‘Honey – I wonder if that blouse that pretty lady is wearing will show up my new skirt/jacket/scarf I bought, nicely; you know the one the guys at the office were complimenting me about yesterday?’
Which leads me to consider the reasons he blames you for flirting with all the men that are interested in your pretty new skirt/jacket/scarf. Perhaps he does not realise that they are only admiring it for the very reason he was admiring the nubile fashionably clad ladies at the table across from yours in Mc Donald’s. (Why are you at Mc Donald’s?) Does he blame you for the tightness in your attire? The lack of home cooked meals; the dirty undusted lounge furniture; getting lost on a journey (because you cannot get the Sat-Nav to go back from French to English) or even the TV remote that has been sucked up by the faulty hoover for all you know?
Perhaps, my dear, it is time to ask him to replace the hoover; buy a new leather lounge suite (easier cleaning); send you for cooking lessons; let you either drive or travel (travelling will do wonders for your sense of direction and language skills) and as for the TV remote – a special plan would be to purchase one of those chairs that have a built in remote control to operate the whole house with.
(Preferably one that will put his blanket on him when he has nodded off to his favourite reality show – you know those ones with all the hot woman on them that he likes watching for style tips for when he is wanting to surprise you with a new dress – or thong)
See – silly – he blames you because you don’t tell him what you want! If you just told him you needed cooking lessons and the leather sofa etc. – then all those little problems would be solved and he would not have to blame you. If you were more educated in technology or languages then he would not have a problem getting lost. If you understood why he looked at other women then he would not have to blame you for getting insecure when he ignored you asking him if he would mind you having the Chocolate Sundae after your big Mac and French fries and onion rings and blueberry muffin and coke float.
Truly – his ears just do not work as well as yours do – yours work double hard to keep up with remembering what comes out of his mouth. Because it is crucial you listen very well as any minute he may say something to trip him up in that tangled nasty web of lies that he weaves. His eyes are better equipped than his ears. He uses them a lot more frequently – you cannot understand why he does not hear you and he of course often requests for you to ‘Open your eyes and see what he does for you’. On the other hand – you may gently want to just check with him again if that Chocolate Sundae would be better to take with you as a ‘To Go’ (He must REALLY want to get that blouse that young woman is wearing – with the way he seems so impressed with it) Now would be a good opening for you to ask him if he would like to go to the mall and stroll around to do a little bit of clothes shopping.
Don’t be surprised if his answer is ‘No not really’ – he is just lying to cover up the surprise he is planning for you dear. You may mention that he should look forward to shopping and should buy himself some of those trendy new shirts and denims that the good looking young guys at work wear these days.
Get your Sundae and get back to the car and put on some lipstick (don’t forget to check between your teeth in the mirror); readjust your breasts inside their brassier and pull the wedgie out your ass. Take your shoes off and straighten out your stockings and give them a little rub. When he asks you why you need to be filling his car with the reek of your feet – explain to him that they are really swollen and tired because your shoes are a bit worn out. See now you are telling him that you need new shoes, so he cannot blame you for not telling him what you want from him! Only he does not understand this in such words. So perhaps it would be more assertive to actually say ‘My shoes hurt me – I want to buy some new ones – please?’
When he agrees and lets off the stinker of a fart in the car – simply ask him why he feels the need to fart with you in the car – could he not wait till he was outside the car?? It is after all rude to fill the car with the stench of the Mc Donald’s Burger he just consumed. (Yes of course you let out a little wisp of a fart – but after all –– YOU my dear – are a LADY! Not even your shit stinks…)
Right – there is shopping to be done!
Too bad he missed the parking that was nearest the mall entrance. Bastard – stupid, STUPID idiot. Do you have to point these things out all the time? He KNOWS your feet are tired and he still expects you to walk all this way to get to the 32 shops you need to go through to find just the right matching shoes and blouse to go with that new skirt you had to buy yesterday, because the old one somehow shrunk in the wash (maybe the washing machine is faulty – he needs to think about replacing it for you!) How can he be so mean to you and so thoughtless?
After an hour or two of not much success, he somehow seems unable to keep up with you. For goodness sakes – YOU are a woman with two sore feet in broken shoes (well they are broken now) and he does not even have to try on 10 different pairs in every shop and HE is complaining about sore feet? WHY does HE need to go sit down for a drink? HOW is he hungry after that burger he ate – you are not hungry – he should just have an ice-cream like you just had? NOW he wants to drag you off to some pub to go have a drink – can he not SEE how frustrated you are that you cannot find the right shoes? Oh well – he can just go on his own then, he is not man enough if he can’t handle walking around a little bit…such a big baby. Ask him for his car keys and tell him to call a taxi and you will meet him at home, if he can’t be bothered to wait for you!
It took some effort and three ice-creams, but you FOUND that blouse that he had had his eye on. HUH! He was just not bothered to look as hard for it as you. Laziness. Here you thought he loved you so much and was going to buy you that pretty item and all he wanted to do was get to the pub.
You try on your new purchases to show him and wonder why he is not home yet if he was so tired. As you reach the lounge the front door swings open and in he staggers. His shirt untucked and his hair a mess.
You step forward carefully to give him something to grab onto and so he does not grab the table with your new Swarovski crystal vase on, and catch the stench of whiskey, heightened by the softness of a scent recognise. You sniff and sniff like a sniffer dog – nose in the air – and you let him drop as you realise it is the same as the young…FRENCH girl who comes around to clean the house twice a week.
You begin to pack his bag – you will not have him living in your house anymore. He bought this house for you with his savings! You were meant to have children together in this house.
You keep your head straight and help him onto the couch – you can’t leave him lying in the doorway – what will the neighbours think? You take off his shoes and yank off his trousers that have had some form of alcohol spilt on them (possibly red wine – probably HERS) which you just don’t want going on your furniture.
‘Oh my GOD!’
‘WHY are you wearing my panties?!’ you jolt him out of his comatose state.
‘Oh uh – becosh, they look so preddy on YOUW –’ he looks up at you and smiles.
‘You are LYING, and – and – buy your own ones then!’ you yell at him.
‘But – you wear mine?’
‘You always blame me for EVERYTHING!’
Please do not take any portions of this article as advice regarding relationships, geared towards either male or female.
If you are experiencing problems in a relationship please consult a professional.
However I am happy to offer advice on the steps to take in seeking such advice.
You can contact me at my blog.
BY Belinda, blogger extraordinaire at the IdiotWriting blog.
Notes for commenters:
Comments are invited. BUT you are reminded that this is a public blog and you are also reminded to think before you press the “post comment” button.
DO NOT post outbound links in my comments whilst “Whose Blog is it Anyway? 2” is in progress.
Good manners are a mark of a charismatic person – so please keep comments civil, non-argumentative, constructive and related, or they will be moderated. If you feel you can’t comply, press the “unfollow” button and/or refrain from commenting.
I read ALL comments but can’t always reply. I will comment if I think there’s something that I can add to what you’ve said. I do delete without notice comments that don’t follow rules above. For persistent offenders I will ignore you permanently and/or report you.
Most decent people already know how to behave respectfully. Thank you for your co-operation on the above.
Warm regards, Don Charisma